So there was this guy I once had a crush on and it lasted many, many years. Nothing ever really happened so there isn’t much of a beginning to talk about but there is an End. We got in a fight because I felt the friendship was very one sided and I was probably also jealous of this girl he liked (and eventually dated). So the end went with him saying, “I only like you as a friend. Sorry.” And just like that it FINALLY clicked. It was over.

He was never going to like me as I wished he would. I needed that direct finality to ultimately stop living in this fantasy relationship alone (This is what I often tried to push Stubborn into saying. It’s also the reason I held on so long, because he could never say it).

Even though we weren’t exes, I feel like the best way to get over an ex is to cut off all contact for some time in order to ensure that no romantic feelings pop back up. Once I stopped putting in the effort to keep in touch with him, the friendship instantly ended. We talked a few times over the next 6 months to be polite but then it just all faded.

So it’s been years since we’ve seen each other and I liked keeping it that way. Now we’re both attending an event and it’s unavoidable. Here, I find myself wondering if he might like me now? Years have passed, I’ve changed my hair, my body has changed, and we’ve both done some growing up.

This is all insecure 16 year old me talking. The first guy she ever liked didn’t like her back and she wants to stop doubting that she’s not good enough.

No matter what color my hair is, I am still me. I will never be the love of his life and don’t want to be her. I’m also not who I used to be when I was 16. I have different wants and needs now; I want a different kind of relationship than I did as a teen. It wasn’t my hair color that stopped him from ever liking me and it surely won’t be the reason he would suddenly like me now.

We just weren’t a good match. That happens sometimes without it being anyone’s fault. That’s a hard reality to face. It took a very long time for me to learn that sometimes two people just aren’t meant to be together. It took me a long time to stop blaming this guy, Stubborn, and myself. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Sometimes you know the reason, other times you don’t.

You can’t make other people like you and you can’t force yourself to fall in love with someone you just don’t have chemistry with. The only person you could really do that with is yourself.