What I thought a Pandemic would do to modern dating vs what’s really happening

What a crazy world we’re living in right now! A global pandemic that has completely changed our daily lives. It’s affected the dating world too.

Since we can’t really meet, I thought COVID-19 would weed out the fuckboys and hook up culture. It would force people to really talk and get to know each other before meeting up. It would foster relationships based on conversations and not looks or make outs. 

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I had seen the cute memes. They facetime, deliver meals to each other’s houses and have a virtual date. It was the most chivalrous dating I have ever seen. But I think those might be the rare cases.

 

What’s really happening are the fuckboys don’t care about social distancing and are still trying to get you to come over. For the smart ones who do listen to COVID rules, conversation goes stale quickly. A conversation normally lasts two weeks before you run out of questions and memories to talk about. Then you talk about the weather and the third walk you went on that day and the connection is dead.

Long Distance relationships work, in part, because they both have an end goal in mind of when they’ll get to see each other again. With this pandemic, you know they live close by but you don’t know when you’ll actually get to meet them in person. With no end goal or date in mind, it’s hard to keep the motivation to stay connected.

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I’ve lost all desire to connect with anyone new. There is no way a random date with some Tinder guy could possibly be worth the risk of catching or spreading COVID-19. And any potentially good matches are kind of ruined by the boredom so I nearly don’t want to talk to them until the world is a bit back to normal. If a match has potential now, then hopefully they will also have potential in another month or two. I guess I’m waiting for the guy that could catch my attention and change my mind. For now, no one is really catching my eye. 

 

June Playlist – Break Up

 

1.Make You Miss Me (2014)

Sam Hunt immediately starts explaining this wishy-washy personality of a girl he’s dating or talking to. She always wants the newest things and is quick to ditch when the next big thing rolls around. Sam doesn’t deny the break up but he is convinced she caught feelings and will miss him. She won’t be able to move on to the next thing because she’s still hoping he’ll text her late at night. It seems like the roles are finally going to reverse and she’ll experience the heartbreak she’s always dishing out. Every little tiny thing is going to be a reminder of the love she lost.  

 

2. If I Loved You (2012)

Delta Rae is a heartbreaker in this song. She wishes she loved this man the way she should and the way he deserves but those deep feelings just aren’t there. It could be such a great love and on the surface it probably is, but in her heart she truly knows it’s not enough. They are so close to happily ever after and it just breaks your heart that this relationship can’t last forever.

 

3. Missed Calls (2011)

The Late Mac Miller sings of a relationship in turmoil and they’re having so many problems that he doesn’t feel like they’re on the same page anymore. The catchy chorus is where the title comes from as Mac raps about the voicemails his girlfriend is leaving, saying she thinks she has to walk away from this deteriorating relationship. It seems like the relationship has changed over the years or perhaps they have changed as individuals since Mac got famous. They both wish to go back to how they were but they know that isn’t really possible anymore. 

 

4. Burn (2004)

Usher belts out this song as this relationship burns out. He seems the end coming and it will only hurt later on to drag this relationship out any longer. The break up seems to be one sided and it really pulls at the heartstrings when you know someone is trying to hold on when the other is pulling away. The song takes a turn as Usher regrets the break up! He wishes for her back and misses the connection they had, but the relationship has already burned down.

 

5. Somebody that I Used to Know (2012)

Gotye had just all belting this out that summer! I had never been in a relationship at the time but boy did I feel that break up! Although, it may be a mutual break up it still hurts when you’re completely ignored and feel the person trying to erase the relationship. In a very clever use of the title, Gotye hints to a possible cheating scenario in the final verse. 

How are you still single?

When you’re out in the dating world, a time or two you’ll probably hear this:

How do you not have a boyfriend already?

(normally continued with ‘you’re so great’)

I’m not sure if it’s my history with self esteem or if everyone feels this way, but this question definitely gives me pause. I think this phrase could be termed as a backhanded compliment since it comes off as a compliment but it’s challenging you as well. 

 

It’s pretty confirmed that they think you’re great. They’re vibing with you and playing with the thought of you as a girlfriend. They’re thinking “I totally want to date this girl. Wait how is she not wifed up already? Is something wrong with her that everyone else sees but I don’t?”. Basically, they want to know if you’re single because all the guys you dated were crazy or because they all ran away from your crazy. They’re worried you might be too good to be true and they just haven’t found your glaring flaw yet.

 

Your answer could give them very important information:

You could say you recently became single and they may realize you’re not over your ex or just not ready to get back in the dating game yet. 

 

You could tell them that you just haven’t found the right one yet, which could mean you’re really picky and high maintenance. Or it could just mean that your small town doesn’t have a ton of options! Or you’re a girl with standards who isn’t going to settle!

 

You could tell them that you just haven’t had the time. Is it because you’re focused on your career, you’re very independent, or you’re actually too scared to put yourself out there and that’s your best excuse?

 

 

They’re also testing you, they’re putting you up against a wall a bit. You now have to prove yourself to them that there’s nothing wrong with you. They’re poking you to see if any flaws fall out. It’s a compliment that requires an explanation as a response. People want answers, they want to know they’re not being fooled. It’s not the innocent compliment it comes off as.

 

May Playlist – Longing

1.My eyes adored you (1974

Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons bring you this song that still pulls at the heart strings decades later. This is a song that adores a woman from afar. Childhood friends that grew up together but never showed their romantic feelings. Frankie Valli even sings of reaching fame but still thinking of the devotion he had for this childhood love.

 

2. Jesse’s Girl (1981

Rick Springfield sings of the feelings he begins to foster for his friend’s girlfriend. He imagines the couple’s intimate time together after seeing the love they display before him. He wonders where he could find a woman like the girlfriend and what’s wrong with him that she wouldn’t want to date him.

 

3. Build Me Up Buttercup (1967)

The Foundations tell the story of a man trying to win over a woman who hasn’t given him much of a chance to woo her. He hopes she’ll make time to call or visit so he could show her how he feels. This song focuses on the dilemma of receiving mixed signals. They flirt and toy with each other’s feelings but can’t commit to giving this relationship a chance. 

 

4. Just a friend (2002)

Mario sings of his desire to get to his friend more intimately. He wants to form a deeper connection and learn about all of her successes and fears. The woman seems to be keeping his advances at bay, claiming he’s just a friend and she doesn’t share the same romantic feelings. 

 

5. Heartless (2019)

Diplo (ft Morgan Wallen) creates a song that definitely reflects how modern dating tends to go these days. She’s all about the chase and the attention of having a guy pursuing her. He’s hoping things could change and they can truly be together but she’s taking him on a rollercoaster of emotions.

 

Should you give advice to failed daters?

I’ve been on LOTS of first dates over the years and after a while they can really start to just blur together. But a few stick out to me and one is this guy who I went out to dinner with. During dinner I realized he wouldn’t be a match for me but after dinner we ended up taking my dog for a walk.

 

At this point to Me, the date was over and I was interested in learning about his past to try and figure out his ‘issues’. We eventually got into exes and he explained he didn’t really want to dive into it with a new person he’s getting to know. I felt terrible, blindsiding him that the date was over and I was just looking to offer him advice for his next stack of daters.

 

As a side note, I want to mention that it is a great idea not to dive into past relationships with someone new! Personally, little facts about ex’s will stay in my head and stop me from enjoying the moment with a new boo. You also have to take what’s said about past relationships with a grain of salt. That relationship was two different personalities with two different backgrounds and that won’t reflect the new relationship you’re building.

 

This leads me to the main point – should you give advice to fellow daters? Years ago, I wanted to. I thought I could help some nice guys out, I thought it might help give them closure as they weren’t left wondering what’s wrong with them that they can’t find a good match, and I’m fascinated by the way life shapes us. But the truth is, everyone is different and wants different things. 

 

The reason that you don’t like someone will be the EXACT reason someone else falls in love with them. If you tell them to hide it or get rid of it, you could be stopping them from finding that perfect match! We’re all different people, we have different interests and different goals for our futures. The wrong puzzle piece for you will be the perfect fit for someone else. So you probably shouldn’t suggest that they saw down their edges.  

 

April Playlist – Crush

 

1.Something to Talk About (1991)

Bonnie Riatt sings of a friends to lovers storyline as the town begins to suspect romance brewing among these friends. These rumors have Bonnie evaluating her friendship and realizing she has caught feelings for her friend!

 

2.Losing Control (2015)  

Russ’s song is about a girl catching feelings but worried she’ll only get her heart broken again. She’s trying to fight these feelings but he keeps treating her well, giving her all of his trust, and showing her what a good love can feel like. 

 

3.Yellow Hearts (2019)

Ant Saunders admires and has growing feelings for a friend but he’s worried he’s reading too far into her responses. She sends yellow heart emojis but he’s not sure if that means she likes him too. Is she playing games? Is she just a sweet girl? Saunders is trying to define the relationship, if there even is one.

 

4.Open (2013)

Rhye already knows he’s falling deeper into what might have started as a casual relationship. He wants to make this relationship into something more and he’s begging her to stay, to fall with him. He’s hoping she can give this a real chance. 

 

5.Falling (2018

Trevor daniel has been hurt before but he finally met someone that has given him hope for love again. He needs that validation from her that she’s feeling the same way about him. She’s all he thinks about and he wants to spend all of his time with her. He’s ready to give her all of his love as long as she is ready to treat him right.

 

6. Falling in Love (2016)

Dennis Kruissen’s song starts with your head in the clouds, feeling dreamy and intoxicated. Love finally happens when you least expect it and you’re praying you get to call somebody your house. He hopes he’s not alone as he’s falling in love.

20 reasons to swipe right

I did a 20 swipe left and someone commented about a swipe right post. That never crossed my mind, which I find sad lol. These are all personal preferences but I figured some people might relate so why not?

 

  1. Clean shaven

  2. Good teeth / nice smile

  3. Outdoor nature pics

  4. Dog picsScreen Shot 2020-03-29 at 7.43.50 PM

  5. Tall(er than me)

  6. Strong jawline

  7. Mentions or pictures of a career path (we want someone with goals)

  8. They have a cute/fun laughing pic

  9. Their profile mentions Mexican food /sushi Screen Shot 2020-03-29 at 7.46.33 PM

  10. A bio that shows a sense of humor 

  11. Strong possibility he doesn’t live at home (definitely not a dealbreaker at my age, but a strong bonus)

  12. Pictures with friends that are not at a bar (shows you don’t go out partying every weekend)

  13. Pictures with family

  14. They seem down to earth / humble

  15. They like country music

  16. They clean up well in a suit (not necessary for a profile, but hey it’s nice on the eyes) Screen Shot 2020-03-29 at 7.47.20 PM

  17. You can see they put in some effort, but aren’t desperate

  18. They seem smart and would carry a conversation (spelling helps, guys)

  19. They seem athletic or active (they don’t spend every minute in front of a TV, hello COVID-19)

  20. Honestly, it’s just a vibe I feel of if I could get along with the guy or not.

Why dinner and a movie is a terrible first date

Dinner and a movie has been the classic first date idea since the beginning of time. Honestly, I just don’t understand why.

 

For starters, dinner and a movie immediately forces you into at least a 4 hour date. There’s the pressure of keeping the date interesting and there’s the fear of having to be ‘on’ for such a long period of time. 

 

During dinner you can probably figure out if you like this guy enough to want to see him a second time or not. If you don’t like him then the last thing you want to do is be stuck closely next to him for the next 2.5 hours as he possibly tries to make moves on you. You might not want to spend the money on a movie or feel bad making him spend money on a somewhat pointless date together. 

 

If you do like him then you either want to continue on with this great conversation or you probably want to do more than just brush arms in a crowded, darkly lit room. I never understood the movie part of this classic first date. You’re not getting to know each other during a movie. The only thing you may learn is if they chew popcorn loudly and if they talk and ask questions during movies. These are pet peeves but highly unlikely that these could ever be deal breakers. 

 

There’s so much awkwardness and uncertainty with going to a movie on the first date. Who’s paying? Where should you guys sit? Should you talk during the previews? Where should you put your arm? Will she feel weird if I try to put my arm around her? Did he just brush his leg with my leg on purpose or on accident? I’m anxious just writing this now! 

 

Watching a movie is also a boring date in my opinion. I’d much rather go bowling or play mini golf. It keeps me stimulated, it helps provides material for conversation, and it also allows you to not have to talk the entire time like you do at a dinner. You’ve also disconnected from each other during the movie with the lack of conversation. The date is normally over after the movie and you leave just kind of shrugging your shoulders about the whole night since it ended so disconnected. 

 

Instead, when you do something fun, they’ll associate that feel -good feeling with you. They’ll think of the smiles and laughs they had while doing that activity, and guess what? You were there with them and they’ll smile and think of you too! That’s exactly what you want out of a first date.

 

I’m only giving the energy that I receive

Since I’m back in the dating game I’ve embraced a new philosophy of only giving out the same energy that I’m receiving. I’m tired of chasing after guys and tired of continuing to talk to guys who aren’t giving me the love and respect I deserve. So if you don’t answer my text for 4 days, guess when you’re getting a text back? In another 4 days. If you don’t like it then change your behavior and I’ll change mine.

 

On the other hand, if you text back promptly and we’re vibing then I’ll do the same. I’ll also give you the courteous of telling you if something comes up and I’ll be unavailable for the next few hours. If you want your time to be respected then you have to give me that same respect.

I’ve wondered if this philosophy is petty but I’ve decided to ignore that inkling. The first reason is, this is about maintaining a power balance, holding suitors responsible for their actions, and teaching them the respect you want and deserve.

I’m not double texting you and coming off as needy.

I’m not getting hung up on you, waiting to have your attention.

I’m not going to brush it off when you cancel on me last minute.

I’m not letting you get away with only texting me on the weekends at midnight.

 

If a guy is sweet and attentive, that’s the guy I want to attract and have him feel the same way he makes me feel. If a guy is emotionally unavailable and playing for my attention then you’ve guessed it, I’m unavailable. I’m unavailable for your games because I’m focusing on the guy who is focusing on me.

 

The second reasons is because I’ve recently heard the term Frustration Attraction. When someone doesn’t text you back, when someone doesn’t give you their time or attention, it gets very frustrating. You start to wonder why, if they’re just busy or if it has something to do with you? Are they not in to you, why not? Did you do something wrong? Now you’re obsessing over it, now you’re trying to prove yourself to him. Now the power balance is off.

 

This is why I suggest matching their energy right off the bat. Don’t let the power become unbalanced and don’t let yourself get obsessed and attached so easily. Don’t start putting your eggs in this guy’s basket when he’s barely even looking your way. I used to brush off and ignore this behavior in the beginning and then weeks later suddenly find myself obsessing over this trash character. We’re not standing for it anymore, ladies. We’re out here matching energies and focusing on our lives until there’s an energy out there that deserves us.

When Are You Going to Get Married?

I’ve finally hit the age where the first wave of engagements and babies is coming, and boy is it strong! Especially with the holidays where everyone is really feeling the spirit of family, there was a new social media post every week! I’m so happy for all my school friends and people from my local community that are starting new chapters in their lives! But as I talked to some mutual friends, they began to worry that they were falling behind in life now.

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Growing up, as we watch TV, movies, and society around us, we start to form ideas of when we should get married, buy a house, and have a baby. A strict timeline of having it all by the time you’re 30. I remember at 14 years old, my girlfriends saying they wanted to start having babies at 26. First off, it’s crazy that girls are encouraged to think about these things at such a young age. Secondly, this year we’re all turning 26 and let me tell you, none of us have husbands, babies, or houses. 

 

Everyone has a different life journey, some are closer to these milestones than others. Some of us may not want to reach one of these goals. But society puts this pressure on us to hit these milestones or be deemed an old maid or spinster. 

 

Surprisingly, I’m not feeling any of this pressure. Maybe if I had a boyfriend, I would worry about how our relationship was moving along. But I don’t really think that would happen, seeing as I don’t feel any pressure to even get a boyfriend. I do feel that this is in part due to the fact that the age in my head that I set for myself to be married is still 5 years away. That’s still plenty of time so no pressure.

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I also think society still has plenty of leniency at my current age. Yes, plenty of people at 26 do hit these milestones but it’s at the beginning of the expected range. I also know I’m not ready for any of those milestones. I’m still getting my footing and solidifying my career. Modern medicine has also progressed so although at age 35 you’re considered a geriatric  pregnancy, it is becoming increasingly common for women to start and continue having pregnancies in their late 30s.   

 

We’re reaching a point where society is pushing the timeline back which is good because there’s less pressure when you’re young and still deciding your life path. But I wish that we never had to feel these judgmental pressures. And for anyone who does not want to reach one of these milestones, society will continue to question and pressure you because you’re not fitting into their normal boxes. The next step is for society to let people live outside the boxes without judgement.