I’m always testing the ones who love me
even though the number is few.
Sweet words are so foreign
I don’t trust them to be true.
Like the moon,
showing the world pretty bright lights
and hiding a part of itself never to be seen.
Letting people in is so hard when you know
They are so likely to go
after rubbernecking at the wreckage.
And bruises fade faster if no one keeps pressing into them.
I hope it works out for you
And that she’s the love of your life.
But if there’s a chance for me
Just know I’m waiting on your call.
If love falls through
I’ll be there to catch you.
Well I’m getting on without you, baby
Even though I still miss you, baby
Men call me beautiful
and I call them back.
But no matter how I try
I’m still thinking of you
at the end of the day.
Hoping you’ll give us another shot.
He holds me tight
and I wonder if he’ll love me past tonight.
I fill my head with nonsense
Wishing we could be
More than just a you and a me.
I like how freely you express yourself.
I wish I could do the same
to show you how good I feel when I’m with you.
Do you kiss every girl like that?
Would you kiss me like this if you didn’t feel anything?
Kiss me absent mindedly again
and we can both pretend not to notice.
It’s hard for me to admit it
but I need your help
I know you’d take care of me
and I’d be safe in your arms.
I know you wouldn’t mind
a few salty tears soaking in your shirt.
Would you lay with me darling?
I can’t face the world on my own today.
I’m 2 days sober
and I say it’s all over.
Then you text me
and I fall off the wagon again.
Back under the influence
of the games you play with my heart.
My cheeks are numb
with generous gulps of alcohol
and my mind is saturated
with thoughts of you.
– Dec 2019
I have to come to terms
with that fact that
you’ll never own up
to all that you put me through.
You deflect it enough that I wonder
if I’m losing my mind again with you.
I’m trying to learn not to place the blame
in dark places or wishing wells.
Sometimes they’re one in the same
but I’m done wishing on you.
My door was never open to you.
But all these years
you’ve camped out in the front yard.
I’m not taking you back
because I never called you mine.
But I’ll meet you outside my door.
If you don’t want me
then make a clean break.
Straighten out the truth
and send me on my way.
If you can say it out loud
then I promise I won’t beg.
But I can’t let go
unless you tell me so.