Talking to Multiple Daters

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching so I thought it would be a fun time to talk about why it’s okay and common to talk to multiple daters at the same time while using dating apps.

 

When on dating apps you tend to get a batch of matches at the same time. This increases your chances of starting multiple conversations at the same time. Based solely on numbers, it’s nearly impossible to only talk to one person at a time. You could miss out on making a great connection if you wait too long to talk to someone.

 

Since you’re getting batches of matches on different days, you’ll progress in conversations at different rates. You’ll be ready to meet one guy as you start out with hellos with someone else. When meeting someone for the first time, you still don’t know how much you like them and if there’s any in person chemistry. It’s perfectly normal to still keep up conversation with other people so that you’re not starting from complete scratch if the date doesn’t go well.

 

Having connections with more than one person, helps with the let down when a date doesn’t go well or if someone randomly ghosts you. You don’t have to keep all your eggs in one basket. You also don’t want to seem needy or lame, so talking to multiple people helps keep each conversation casual and replies at a normal speed.

 

Talking to multiple people is a completely normal practice in the modern online dating world and you can delete the apps or stop talking to daters at your own speed. Just be honest about what you’re looking for and what your expectations are.

 

I’m happy I don’t really care about dating apps right now

I knew when I downloaded the apps that I didn’t want to jump right into anything. I also knew it takes a long time to meet someone you actually want to go on more than one date with so I wasn’t too worried about it. The reason I downloaded the apps in the first place right after the break up was because I wasn’t sure I could handle all the sudden down time and lack of daily communication to someone. 

People would ask what I was looking for on the apps and I found it kind of difficult to answer because I really didn’t know. As some conversations progressed to the potential of meeting up I found out that I really wasn’t interested in that so soon after becoming single. I found myself falling into one of the distinct categories of app users; I was on the apps just to talk but never meet up and basically just waste my time so I would be less bored.

Swiping through users was just a game to pass time and I found bumble annoying because it forced me to start a conversation within 24 hours. I tried a few apps just to see what they were about but in the end found myself using tinder the most of it’s easy, basic use. After a few weeks, I let new matches sit for days before even thinking about reaching out and in general, just spending less time on the app at all.

I didn’t really care for the conversations, they were all the same and I didn’t want them leading anywhere. Since I wasn’t looking for any type of partner there wasn’t much reason or interest to swipe through the sea of potential daters either.

I’m content to just make plans with my sisters, work on my blog, watch new tv shows, and focus on my schoolwork. I’ve been debating with myself when I might be interested in dating again and the answer is definitely not anytime soon. It’s a very different attitude than I’ve had for the past 5 years but I’m really happy with it. 

 

Quarterly Favorites Recap

Every 3 months this year I’m going to review some favorite things that have been going on in my life. It will be fun to see how things progress and change as the year goes by!

 

  1. Favorite show: I just finished season one of I’m Sorry on Netflix, it was funny and I didn’t have to be paying 100% attention all the time which is just how I like my shows. Similar show that I’m also enjoying is I Feel Bad on Hulu. Both funny, cool moms struggling through life sitcoms.

 

2. Favorite tweet: Check out who I said would be a good trivia partner

 

3. Favorite blog post: Was when I announced my next Poetry Collection!!!

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4. Favorite phase /word to say: I recently started watching Letterkenny on Hulu and they frequently say “Pitter Patter let’s get at’er” so I’ve been parroting that a lot. More Letterkenny quotes here Letterkenny Sayings. (I got to the second season but stopped watching the show, it’s an acquired taste for sure).

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5. Favorite thing you did: I went on a trip to California with my boyfriend! It was great to experience something new together and see him so happy and energetic! We also learned I’m a very hangry person… ( sorry for being moody)

 

 

6. Favorite artist: I’ve been in some stressful moods due to school work and listening to Post Malone always helps.

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The Urban Flair Etsy Shop

 

7. Favorite Poem: Your Loss is one I recently published on the blog even though I wrote it back circa 2011. I’ve really been enjoying going through my old poems and seeing which ones are still holding up with time. This one is short but still holds substance, Take a look!

Picky Daters

For me, first dates take a lot of mental effort. It requires you to carve out new time in your routine, the nervousness of meeting someone new, and as a reserved and introverted being, the social draining from constant conversation for multiple hours.

For these reasons, I don’t jump at every date. If I’ve only been talking to a guy about really trivial things for the past three days then I may want more time getting to know him before agreeing to give him my free afternoon. I’ve been coerced into first dates before and have learned to stick with my gut now. There’s always going to be a few things you have in common with a stranger, that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be.

It’s also important I ask what their intentions are before agreeing to meet up as well. I want to go on an actual date, not just chill at your house or in your car. Those can be part of the date but not the main event. I want to know that you’re making an effort to get to know me not just buying your time before you try to shove your tongue down my throat.

So I’m picky about who I agree to go on dates with. I’m not looking to waste anyone’s time, money, or gas. If I agree to go on a date with you then it’s because I think there will end up being more than one date. I don’t want to go on 50 first dates, I want to develop something deeper than that. I’m worth getting to know and I’m worth the effort of planning a date.

 

Dating App Gems

You come across a wide array of profiles after you’ve been on a few dating apps. You can have cute job offers, unique relationship dynamics, and the classic unfunny, conceited guy.

A profile that was too interesting to just swipe past showed up on my feed one day. I decided to message him and learn more about his story. Unfortunately, the ending was a bit more cynical than I foresaw.

I got a good laugh out of Mr. Egg’s comments, I can’t help but appreciate the honesty and self awareness. And the ‘worse’ he’s referring to would be guys like Jared. I could write a whole post on Shirtless Jared. I know it’s an extremely lengthy conversation so I appreciate all readers taking the time to read our entire exchange. He goes from wanting to hang out and hoping I’m sexually liberal to then shaming that exact hope upon rejection! Because if a girl rejects you then obviously she’s a slut and you must tell her so! (Such sound logic you boys have)

Lastly, we have two celebrities! You gotta state what ever fame you got! (It’s unverified if Chris is actually on a Teen Mom episode but it’s a clever pick up line nevertheless). A+ on originally from both these accounts! SharkBoy is my personal favorite though, props to you.

 

PC

He’s Different

So I’ve met someone new!

I’d like to put a disclaimer first saying this post is just about acknowledging and celebrating his differences, not a declaration of he’s the one. I’m not that delusional. (It’s only been a couple of weeks, let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet).

I would also suggest to others not to compare your current suitors to boys of your past but since when does anyone ever follow their own advice?

So what does my new guy do that the others haven’t?

First, he’s not afraid to call them ‘dates’! We’re not just hanging out, not staying in, and not just grabbing food. It’s a date. In the past, I’ve avoided saying the word ‘date’ because I was worried it would freak the guy out a little bit. It’s very refreshing that he’s so comfortable with the word and the concept.

So I’ve been on a quite a few dates. Enough dates that I started avoiding meal dates and would purposely try to plan activities like bowling and mini golf. So I’ve done most date activities by now and it’s pretty difficult to surprise and impress me. He did both.

First off, he actually planned them himself! This has never happened to me before. It’s always been a back and forth of naming a few suggestions that are of equal distance between our two locations, then narrowing them down. Then I pick the day and give some options for the time we should meet up. It’s a very long process and some guys were so passive that it was like pulling teeth trying to figure out a place that we would actually both enjoy.

Secondly, there’s usually the waiting game of when you can ask about the next date because you’d don’t want to come off as too available and desperate. He doesn’t play games. Monday night he asks me if I have plans for Saturday and when I say no he says great because he has a surprise. He plans TWO different date options in different envelops allowing me to read both once he’s picked me up from my house and pick the one I want to go to that night. AND both options were activities I had never done before, which honestly must have been a stroke of luck. I was so impressed with the planning, the originality and creativity of the date ideas that were able to surprise me!

The final way in which he is different so far stems from his dislike of small talk. He likes to explore new topics and talk about interesting things. He’s also not afraid to talk about uncomfortable topics. You know how you steer away from your insecurities and issues for the first month or three (lol) of dating to make sure they like your positive attributes first before learning about your difficult traits? That didn’t happen with us. If you’ve read along with my blog over the past few months then you’ve heard me mention my intimacy and abandonment issues.

Well, somehow they came up during our first date and he asked me about them so we’re pretty bare to each other already. I appreciated that he didn’t shy away from the hard stuff even if I hadn’t been planning on talking about it for a while. We’re going to be jumping into this already knowing the deep secrets you usually hide. And it actually made our second date a lot easier.

Usually, I’m anxious thinking about the things I haven’t told my suitors yet, wondering if they’ll view me differently after, or if they’ll think it’s too much work to put up with. Instead, I could be fully honest with him. I didn’t have to think about how I was going to avoid the whole truth without lying or think about how I would tell him the full story later on. And there were more and more things he got to learn about me because I wasn’t so worried about being judged.

So he’s different and I like it. And I’m curious to see more of his differences and were that takes us.

LOL That Time I Seemed like the Crazy Girl No One Wanted

I agree that he might have just meant that being on an app for so long is discouraging for anyone, myself included actually because I tend to take 3-5 month long breaks after being on dating apps for 2 or so months. I decided to go for the dramatic answer and I’ll explain why. I believe the ease of having so many available suitors at your fingertips, the anonymity behind a screen, and the ability to use filters so you can build your perfect soul mate with precisely the characteristics you want attracts emotionally unavailable and immature people.

You don’t have to take every date so seriously when there’s 5 other messages waiting for you after dinner. If there’s just one thing you don’t like then on to the next one. People don’t put in real effort because of this. There’s no vulnerability and we can easily hide from our emotional issues. Blame it on someone else when things don’t work out once again.

I actually know a couple whom met on Tinder and are now engaged! And Mr. Romantic was from Tinder so there are definitely emotionally ready people on dating apps, they’re just hidden gems.

I am, of course, lumping myself into being emotionally unready. I have yet to have a real, serious relationship but I’m young so I can’t complain much. But I do believe that I now fear that type of intimacy. I’ve been hurt by caring too deeply for the wrong people, imagine the kind of heartbreak if it doesn’t work out after a long, genuine relationship! I’ve been on dating sites for 2 years and all past suitors have left, of course I’m a bit scarred that it will happen again. That I will be left again.

Without a doubt, this is always the gamble for anyone looking for love. You have to risk getting hurt. I am not the only one who has been left, the only one to experience heartache, and I won’t be the last. I just have to try really hard to not let my insecurities and fears stop me from taking the risk. I was very conscious of that with Mr. Romantic and I made a lot of personal strides during my time with him (Heck, I’m nearly 100% positive he would agree).

So that brings me to my next point, I can’t date someone that I don’t see a future with. I’m not sure how other people do it but if I know there is a serious issue that will make us part paths down the line then why get attached and make ourselves hurt that badly? The odds are not in my favor for finding my future husband in my early twenties online. So that leaves me single, unfortunately. And on dating apps for two years…

 

The 35 Thoughts You Have When You See Your Ex on a Dating App

If you’ve been following my blog you’ll know I don’t really have an ex. If you’ve been following my blog you’ll still know exactly whom I’m talking about.

 

  1. WHAAATTTT??!!?
  2. Let me message him, “WASSUP FUCKER”
  3. But what if he ‘liked’ me back, what does that mean?
  4. What will he think if I ‘like’ his page…?
  5. FUCK, I’m thinking about this too much
  6. Wait, why does it say he’s that many miles away?
  7. That’s not where he is right now
  8. Stupid app.
  9. Oh, that’s where he was when he last logged in
  10. I didn’t know that how many miles apart we lived..
  11. God, he really sucked
  12. Why did his profile show up now?
  13. Did he just get the app?
  14. Have I gone through all the pages that have recently logged in and now I’m on pages that never log in…
  15. What’s the algorithm of this app
  16. Who am I kidding, he just reactivated his account. Probably because I just reactivated mine..
  17. I’m thinking too much again.
  18. Do NOT feel guilty or like you have to explain yourself for being on a dating app
  19. Omg, all his pictures are like 5 years old
  20. Why does his group of friends do that?
  21. His friends were probably another red flag..
  22. Homie, you wish you still looked like that
  23. Oh this one’s kinda recent
  24. He only likes that picture because I had told him I liked that jacket… Fucker.
  25. What’s up with all these gazing off into the distance pictures
  26. This picture is horrible quality, why would he even put that up
  27. Alright, I’ve got it, he should put this picture first.
  28. This one second, then third.
  29. Oh, delete this one.
  30. Why is he even on here? He’s too emotionally unavailable to date anyone.
  31. I hope the next girl is smarter than me.
  32. Maybe in 5 years he’ll actually be ready to date someone
  33. OMG. What if he finds the love of his life right now?
  34. Ugh, Fuck it. He can do whatever he wants.
  35. I’m done.