The hardest lesson in dating

The hardest lesson you learn while in various relationships is this:

You can’t change people.

 

While you’re young you might have made a list of your ideal partner. Then you started meeting suitors and you realized the perfect partner doesn’t exist. You meet a guy with some potential but you’re both still young and growing your careers. You can’t stay with someone’s potential, waiting and hoping for them to change and grow up. Next thing you know, it’s two years wasted and he’s still exactly how you found him. Plenty of people grow into their potential, but you can’t stay in a relationship where you’re waiting on change. 

 

You are not the same person at 23 that you were at 18 and even that person has evolved at 29 years old. Your education, beliefs, and characteristics you’re looking for in a partner all change. Just as you can’t change people, you also can’t stop them from changing. Important life goals like wanting to get married or wanting children can change over the years. It’s heartbreaking but you have to know when partners in a relationship have changed so much that they’re no longer on the same path. 

 

Another thing women tend to do at a young age is try to fix the guys they want to date. You meet a guy who’s giving you attention and he has good qualities but his coping mechanisms are stunting his growth. Life lessons have shaped all of us and it’s up to us to seek professional help if we feel like we need ‘fixing’. It’s not our job as a partner to be someone’s mother and therapist. We’re your partner and we will support you but it should not fall on our shoulders to fix you up. Above you had to know when to end a relationship, but here you have to know when you shouldn’t even start one. 

 

Nagging or mothering someone into changing only leads to resentment and exhaustion. The ones who do make any type of change or improvements did so themselves. You can be motivation or a support system but they have to put in all the work. Even after all this, there’s no guarantee for a successful relationship. 

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Instead of trying to change someone, you have to know when it’s time to change your plans. After a few years of dating you’ll know what you’re not willing to settle for and you’ll probably figure out the hard way of when it’s time to cut your losses on a partner that will never become who you need them to be. 

 

How to get over someone

Getting over someone is tough. There’s no right way to do it but we tend to beat ourselves up over it anyway. Here are some ideas that could help you move on after heartbreak. And we all know getting over someone you never actually dated is the hardest so I hope this helps there!

 

1. Stop talking to them and stop stalking their socials, separate them out of your life. You need to remember what life is like without them and realize you have the strength to carry on.

 

2. Write a list of all the reasons it didn’t work out or why they’re not right for you – read it to yourself whenever you forget. Tell your friends about everything that went wrong so they can keep your gentle heart safe.

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3. Delete cute texts and pictures. I’m willing to let you keep any texts when you guys were fighting or he was showing his true colors. You might need to be brought back down to reality if you’ve been daydreaming about the good old days for too long. You’ll need all the help you can get when your heart feels weak.

 

4. The mind is an amazing creature but she will create these fantasies and forget the pain. You have to stay busy and keep your mind off of whoever you’re trying to get over.

 

5. Stay busy and stay social. You still have friends that can fill in your ex’s spot on any adventure! I know you may feel lonely and like a huge chuck of your life is suddenly missing but Life is still awesome and fun on your own. It may take a few tries to remember that.

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6.  Cry about it if you need to. Avoiding and pushing your emotions down will just delay the real healing. Even if it was only an almost relationship, your feelings are real and validate.

 

7. Throw out anything they gave you or that reminds you of them. You don’t really need material possessions and it helps make the break up more real for you.

 

8. Remember your goals and desires before you knew them. Focus energy back on yourself. Until someone can appreciate your energy, focus it all on you.

 

How to help your partner through tough times

In life, you face a lot of struggle. You might grieve a lost loved one, lose a job, or face a dispute with a friend. Fortunately, you usually have people in your life you can lean on including your partner. Tragedy affects everyone differently so if this is the first time you’re helping your partner through something, you might not know the best way to comfort them.

 

Let Them Know You’re There

There can be a lot of thoughts rushing through their head at this time, they may feel that expressing their feelings are a burden for you or they might be so consumed that they haven’t thought of you to lean on. So you let them know you’re there for them offering support in any way they want or need. You’re ready for when they want to talk. You’re a shoulder and open ear.

 

Read the Room

Some people want to talk out their issues, others prefer to silently work through things on their own. You may think how you’d react during this hard time and may think you know what’s best for your partner. But they may deal with their grief in a different way then you do. Keep an open mind to this and try to not take it personally if they are keep their emotions close to their chest. Don’t project your own ideals onto them and don’t push them for what they’re not ready for.

 

Validate their Feelings

Writing things down on paper or talking out your concerns is a good healing process for the soul. Sometimes you just need to vent or cry or scream – you just want to be heard. So validate your partner’s feelings. There doesn’t always need to be a solution or plan of action. Be a soundboard as they navigate through this new territory.

 

Know it’s always an ongoing process after losing a loved one.

Losing a loved one will hit you in new and unsuspecting ways. A tv show, a street sign, a song could all bring memories rushing back even after time has passed. The loss will still ache whether it’s years or months. Anniversaries and special holidays will always be tender for your partner. There is no start and end to this healing process, it will ease both of your minds to accept this. Just because there are tears today does not mean there will be tears tomorrow, so don’t worry or judge when you’re having a hard day. You will always remember them because they are always with you.

 

Documentary Recommendations – Series 3 Documentaries to Skip

Unfortunately, not every documentary you watch will be a good one. Or sometimes you’ll watch a movie that you kind of enjoyed but you know you wouldn’t recommend anyone else to watch it (for me that Christmas lifetime movies hahah). These four documentaries don’t have any common themes aside from the fact that I don’t think you should watch them lol.

 

The Woman with Seven Personalities (Netflix) – Would Not Recommend

This is a woman in her mid 30s with 6 other personalities that range from about the age of 5 to 15. This documentary didn’t really end up answering any of the questions it proposed throughout the segment. That doesn’t really make for a good documentary… It was interesting hearing from the main woman about the debate of if she would really want to be cured and lose her other personalities.

It also brought in the question if multiple personality disorder is even a real disease or if she’s just faking it. Although Helen has 6 personalities to keep her company in her head, she sadly lives a rather only life. She also unfortunately struggles with two personalities that are self destructive to her such as self harm and alcoholism. Overall, interesting topic but the story doesn’t really end up anywhere.

 

Look at Us now, Mother! (Netflix) – Would Not Recommend

I got bored with this one and stopped. Eventually started again to watch some more but still have not finished. The documentary follows the relationship between the filmmaker and her mother. It’s been a rough relationship since childhood and decades later Gayle is still battling against her disapproving mother. Her brothers make it so obvious how manipulative and emotionally abuse their mother was to Gayle, it’s difficult to hear about a mother being a bully to her own daughter.

The two had just started therapy together when I stopped watching for a second time. Even in her old age, the mother is completely ignorant to how she mistreated her daughter. Young ladies have it hard enough measuring up to society’s ideals without their mother pushing for them to get a nose job. It’s not worth the watch. And of course, I have not finished the film but from my understanding its more so the daughter accepting the mother’s hard ways rather than the mother becoming kind and compassionate, but I could be wrong. 

And just for the little background I did learn about why the mother might treat her daughter like this – The mother saw her husband grow up being the forgotten child compared to his sisters so the mother vowed she would never let her sons feel left out or wouldn’t put her daughter on a pedestal. She unfortunately, took that to the extremely and consistently belittled her daughter instead.

 

Children of God (Netflix) – Would Not Recommend

This documentary follows the memories of a family that lived in a Cult for many years. The first interesting thing about this cult was that the leader wasn’t with the rest of the cult, he just sent letters from a secret location. It’s interesting that the leader had such a presence without even being present. It focused heavily on child abuse and sexual abuse with interviews from the one family that has since left the cult. The cult even featured promotional videos that were essentially children undressing to song.

The other focus was on the sexual activities the wives were essentially forced to do such as sleeping with other husbands and members of the cult as well as sleeping with men in the outside community in order to entice them to join the cult (flirty fishing). It’s a sad documentary as the grown children recount their stories of sexual harassment and rape and dealing with the complicated resentment they have with their mother for putting them in such an environment. It’s disturbing and heartbreaking, and not at the top of my list of recommendations.

 

End Game (Netflix) – Would Not Recommend

This documentary takes place at a hospice- like center. You encounter a handful of people as they face the last few weeks or months of their lives. Death is hard to face but a documentary like this talking about death and the options that come with hospice care is helpful in opening up the conversation. You see patients dealing with their fate differently and the hardships families face as well.

The documentary spent a lot of time on Mitra’s family, a young mother with an end of life cancer diagnosis, weak and rarely lucid. The parents struggled to face that their daughter would not be getting any better and also struggled to decide if they could allow their daughter’s body to help doctors and scientists after death. A documentary shot in hospital setting was very honest about keeping the patients human. The short documentary sits heavy on the soul and I don’t see a reason any of you readers should sit through that.