The hardest lesson in dating

The hardest lesson you learn while in various relationships is this:

You can’t change people.

 

While you’re young you might have made a list of your ideal partner. Then you started meeting suitors and you realized the perfect partner doesn’t exist. You meet a guy with some potential but you’re both still young and growing your careers. You can’t stay with someone’s potential, waiting and hoping for them to change and grow up. Next thing you know, it’s two years wasted and he’s still exactly how you found him. Plenty of people grow into their potential, but you can’t stay in a relationship where you’re waiting on change. 

 

You are not the same person at 23 that you were at 18 and even that person has evolved at 29 years old. Your education, beliefs, and characteristics you’re looking for in a partner all change. Just as you can’t change people, you also can’t stop them from changing. Important life goals like wanting to get married or wanting children can change over the years. It’s heartbreaking but you have to know when partners in a relationship have changed so much that they’re no longer on the same path. 

 

Another thing women tend to do at a young age is try to fix the guys they want to date. You meet a guy who’s giving you attention and he has good qualities but his coping mechanisms are stunting his growth. Life lessons have shaped all of us and it’s up to us to seek professional help if we feel like we need ‘fixing’. It’s not our job as a partner to be someone’s mother and therapist. We’re your partner and we will support you but it should not fall on our shoulders to fix you up. Above you had to know when to end a relationship, but here you have to know when you shouldn’t even start one. 

 

Nagging or mothering someone into changing only leads to resentment and exhaustion. The ones who do make any type of change or improvements did so themselves. You can be motivation or a support system but they have to put in all the work. Even after all this, there’s no guarantee for a successful relationship. 

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Instead of trying to change someone, you have to know when it’s time to change your plans. After a few years of dating you’ll know what you’re not willing to settle for and you’ll probably figure out the hard way of when it’s time to cut your losses on a partner that will never become who you need them to be. 

 

How to get over someone

Getting over someone is tough. There’s no right way to do it but we tend to beat ourselves up over it anyway. Here are some ideas that could help you move on after heartbreak. And we all know getting over someone you never actually dated is the hardest so I hope this helps there!

 

1. Stop talking to them and stop stalking their socials, separate them out of your life. You need to remember what life is like without them and realize you have the strength to carry on.

 

2. Write a list of all the reasons it didn’t work out or why they’re not right for you – read it to yourself whenever you forget. Tell your friends about everything that went wrong so they can keep your gentle heart safe.

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3. Delete cute texts and pictures. I’m willing to let you keep any texts when you guys were fighting or he was showing his true colors. You might need to be brought back down to reality if you’ve been daydreaming about the good old days for too long. You’ll need all the help you can get when your heart feels weak.

 

4. The mind is an amazing creature but she will create these fantasies and forget the pain. You have to stay busy and keep your mind off of whoever you’re trying to get over.

 

5. Stay busy and stay social. You still have friends that can fill in your ex’s spot on any adventure! I know you may feel lonely and like a huge chuck of your life is suddenly missing but Life is still awesome and fun on your own. It may take a few tries to remember that.

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6.  Cry about it if you need to. Avoiding and pushing your emotions down will just delay the real healing. Even if it was only an almost relationship, your feelings are real and validate.

 

7. Throw out anything they gave you or that reminds you of them. You don’t really need material possessions and it helps make the break up more real for you.

 

8. Remember your goals and desires before you knew them. Focus energy back on yourself. Until someone can appreciate your energy, focus it all on you.

 

July Playlist – Want You Back

 

1.Come Back Song (2010)

Darius Rucker starts off with a clever analogy of his morning coffee and the end of his relationship. He’s willing to admit he was wrong for ending the relationship and that she is doing well without him. The night seems to hit the hardest, missing her as he tries to fall asleep alone. He hopes this song will reach her and publicly humble him as he tries to win her back.

 

2. I Want You Back (1996)

NSYNC* brings another great bop as they sing of a mistake they’re trying to take back. He has to apologize and find a way to get her back. He reflects on how naive he was in the beginning of the relationship and the things he’d do differently now.

 

3. We Belong Together (2005)

Mariah Carey expresses her guilt of ending a relationship and how she misses his voice and touch. She remembers all the good times they had together and how he was such an important part of her life. Everything is reminding her of how much she misses him and how lonely she is now. The loss she feels is too great to properly explain.

 

4. Want You Back (2017)

HAIM sings of fearing love and therefore driving her lover away. But she’s ready to open up now and be vulnerable. She admits her mistake and will take the blame if that’s what it takes to get him back. She’s ready to commit her heart to loving him if he’ll let her. 

 

5. What if I Told You That I Love You (2020)

Ali Gatie wonders what she could say to get her lover back. She wonders if he could possibly feel the same way she does. She’s also a bit insecure about their past and if his feelings were really true for her. She fights an uphill battle though as he has found a new love. Still she hopes she’s not alone in her feelings.

 

 

June Playlist – Break Up

 

1.Make You Miss Me (2014)

Sam Hunt immediately starts explaining this wishy-washy personality of a girl he’s dating or talking to. She always wants the newest things and is quick to ditch when the next big thing rolls around. Sam doesn’t deny the break up but he is convinced she caught feelings and will miss him. She won’t be able to move on to the next thing because she’s still hoping he’ll text her late at night. It seems like the roles are finally going to reverse and she’ll experience the heartbreak she’s always dishing out. Every little tiny thing is going to be a reminder of the love she lost.  

 

2. If I Loved You (2012)

Delta Rae is a heartbreaker in this song. She wishes she loved this man the way she should and the way he deserves but those deep feelings just aren’t there. It could be such a great love and on the surface it probably is, but in her heart she truly knows it’s not enough. They are so close to happily ever after and it just breaks your heart that this relationship can’t last forever.

 

3. Missed Calls (2011)

The Late Mac Miller sings of a relationship in turmoil and they’re having so many problems that he doesn’t feel like they’re on the same page anymore. The catchy chorus is where the title comes from as Mac raps about the voicemails his girlfriend is leaving, saying she thinks she has to walk away from this deteriorating relationship. It seems like the relationship has changed over the years or perhaps they have changed as individuals since Mac got famous. They both wish to go back to how they were but they know that isn’t really possible anymore. 

 

4. Burn (2004)

Usher belts out this song as this relationship burns out. He seems the end coming and it will only hurt later on to drag this relationship out any longer. The break up seems to be one sided and it really pulls at the heartstrings when you know someone is trying to hold on when the other is pulling away. The song takes a turn as Usher regrets the break up! He wishes for her back and misses the connection they had, but the relationship has already burned down.

 

5. Somebody that I Used to Know (2012)

Gotye had just all belting this out that summer! I had never been in a relationship at the time but boy did I feel that break up! Although, it may be a mutual break up it still hurts when you’re completely ignored and feel the person trying to erase the relationship. In a very clever use of the title, Gotye hints to a possible cheating scenario in the final verse.