SHORTCOMINGS

You’ll need to have enough patience 

for two because I’m always losing mine. 

Sometimes I’ll pull out my hair from all the stress.

I can’t always keep my cool 

so I’ll clam up in frustration 

fearful that I could shout something I’d regret.

 

I think being late is a sign of disrespect 

and I don’t like to change my mind.

It will sometimes take me a beat 

to figure out what’s right.

But understand these hang ups

and I’ll always do right by you.

Second Dates Are Harder Than First Dates

First dates are absolutely terrible. You spend days getting to know someone and planning a date and then hours getting ready for said date. Then you waste even more hours on the actual date with a person you’re not even really sure if you like.

A lesson I eventually learned was saying No to people I wasn’t 100% excited to go on a date with. Modern dating really drains you emotionally and mentally so don’t feel bad saving your energy.

Now that we’ve all agreed that first dates are hard, I’m here to tell you second dates are even tougher. First dates there aren’t really too many expectations, sure you worry that conversation will fall flat in person if texting has been flowing really well. Aside from that, there’s plenty of doubt that the first date won’t be amazing. The trouble comes when they do turn out to be amazing!

Sounds crazy, I know. But then there’s an enormous amount of pressure for the second date to be equally amazing. An hour or so into the second date with my now boyfriend, we both admitted that we were extremely worried that our second date would flop with flat conversation. That, in fact, has happened to me in the past so I was worried about history repeating itself (even more pressure and stress).

After the first date, you may start to picture a bit of a future and you’re looking for clues that your suitor’s future is going to align with yours. You listen to what they say with a fine tooth comb this time. The stakes are higher and so are the standards for grading this date. 

Second dates may also take you out of your comfort zone. If you’ve been on dating apps for a while you’ve probably had your fair share of first dates. You’re used to them, in fact you’re a pro. Second dates are new territory. You’ve never had to measure up to the first impression you left your date with.

There are still the jitters of getting to know a new person but after the second date you’re more comfortable knowing that your suitor is meeting your expectations and that the first date wasn’t just a fluke.

 

 

Comfort zone

I’m a creature of comfort

Not the type to stray far from what she knows.

You’ve gently held my shell open

so I can step outside and see all the wonders around me.

You take my hand with a teasing smile

as you propel me right to the edge of security.

You remind my aged soul of younger days

With laughter and playfulness.

Take me to the edge again

I want to feel the wind on my face as I’m falling

with you and for you.

-Sept 2017

Comfort in the Distance

So I’ve mentioned Stubborn before and I can definitely agree to telling any girl that if a guy doesn’t put in the effort to take you on dates then he’s not into you and you gotta forget him. People rarely take their own advice though.

I’m comfortable where I am with Stubborn.

You know in kindergarten when you’re learning about personal space and you stretch your arms out on either side and you spin in a circle and if you knocked into anyone then you were standing too close to them? Stubborn has intimacy issues just like me. It’s just that he gets uncomfortable as soon as you’re at his fingertips while my intimacy issues don’t start till you inch closer to my elbows. So we run into Stubborn’s intimacy issues first and mine never get analyzed, criticized, or called into question. No one’s busting my balls saying Stubborn’s a good guy if you only gave him a chance.

I believe there is a high chance that if Stubborn suddenly got on board and starting taking me out and wanting to hang out often that my intimacy alarm bells would be going off and I would RUN. So I get the best of both worlds, I get to sit on my high horse telling Stubborn he should date me with everyone on my side thinking it’s his fault things aren’t progressing; And I also get to stay right on that comfort zone sofa where I don’t have to become vulnerable to heartbreak and abandonment.

So for now, I’m pacing myself. I have always ran away as fast as that Hare in and out of relationships. But maybe slow and steady is the key to winning this time.

 

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Back When

But the light hazes in this boundless bedroom

and all I see is clingy, itchy ivy

entrapping my wrist like regret imprisons my thoughts.

I can’t take back this one night but still

I pinch my eyes closed again

back to the darkness.

 

Back when a dark haired man seemed

like a good idea. Back when

I felt brave and confident

to go up to a man and take

what I desired.

Dreams

When I was young I dreamed of reaching the moon

and I dreamed of saving the world.

I dreamed of becoming the best me I could be

but chasing dreams is harder than it seems

because disappointment and doubt appear to be the only things in route.

So I hide in the shadows and pray that my true self never shows

because the more I care, the more I have to lose

and opening up my heart means allowing it to bruise.

But I’m strong and I’ll survive

and only love can keep the heart alive.

 

-April 2012

 

The First Lesson I Learned While Dating

I actually learned a few lessons from the first guy who took me out (it gets confusing if I say I dated him because he was never my boyfriend, we just went on dates for a month or two). I’ve decided to nickname him Liar since most of what I’ve learned from him has to do with lies and betrayal.

So naïve, young Me first started talking to Liar around Thanksgiving 2014. We started going on some dates, he would call me on his way home from work, and I even met some of his friends and coworkers. Maybe it was moving a little fast, but what did I know, this was my first time going on real dates with someone who actually seemed like they wanted to date me.

Now this was nearly 2 years ago and such a short amount of time, so it’s hard to get the timeline right but I’m doing what I can. One date was rock climbing and two of his friends came along. At one point, they wanted to video each other trying out new rock jumping tricks (because nothing counts unless you film it). I went to get Liar’s phone from the cubby and his home screen showed that some girl was texting him. I honestly thought nothing of it, he knows plenty of female co-workers, I sure he has friends of the opposite gender, it really wasn’t a big deal.

Perhaps at this point he had already told me that all his focus was on me and therefore, I had gotten off my dating apps and even stopped talking to Stubborn (yeah, he’s been in the picture for THAT long). I suggest this only because Liar kept reassuring me that this text message on his phone was absolutely nothing to worry about. He told me twice and then even had his friend message me to make sure I believed him. The amount of effort he took to cover his tracks was actually the signal that tipped me off.

Since we weren’t officially dating and I had no idea what the text messages were really about, I actually continued to see him for a few more weeks. I guess at that point Liar was getting a bit too comfortable with the fact that I had stuck around for more than 4 weeks and he needed a way to let me go.

I don’t remember how the conversation got started but suddenly Liar was telling me that his Aunt’s cancer was back and that he needed to focus on his family and he didn’t want to do wrong by me if he didn’t have enough time for me. Naïve, young Me felt really bad about his Aunt being sick; I truly wanted to help him through it and be an emotionally support system for him. He lied so smoothly I didn’t even realize this was him breaking things off with me!

I don’t know how soon after, but eventually I was filled in that his Aunt’s cancer was not back and this was just his way of getting rid of me. Who the hell lies about CANCER?!

Oh and he met up with some girl from the next state over. Anyways, it wasn’t till recently after I’ve dated much more that I figured it out. Liar just wasn’t ready to leave his comfort zone. He liked dating multiple girls, he liked thinking he was so cool and desirable, and he probably even liked the thrill of sneaking around. And of course, when you don’t commit then you can’t make yourself vulnerable to getting hurt.

I went on A LOT of first dates over the past 2 years. And I always found something wrong with the guy and I almost always TOLD him about it. (Yeah, I was that brutally honest bitch.)

It was a lesson I learned: hurt them first so they can’t hurt you.

Of course, that didn’t exactly work out like I wanted it to. I was wrongfully teaching those guys the same lesson I had learned while hurt. I was teaching them that if they put themselves out there I was going to make them regret it (or some other girl trying to stay safe in her comfort zone would). It’s the same reason people ‘ghost’ each other. There’s no hurt or rejection if you leave. But I was hurting myself by not allowing love in.

Relationships are hard work. We mess up a lot. But if you never get out of your comfort zone and allow yourself to be vulnerable, then you’ll never experience the love you gain when the gamble works out. There’s no pay out if you leave before all the cards are dealt.

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