Saying “You Can Do Better” but Meaning…

I have definitely said, “You can do better” to a friend before and I have also had it said to me. I realize it is a friend trying to support, compliment, and look out for you. That’s how I meant it when I said it, along with “You deserve so much better” and “Forget him, he’s nothing but bad news anyway”. What I’m also willing to admit is that I’m passing along a lot of judgment while saying these ‘encouraging’ comments (read: critiques).

I’m judging her taste and ability to choose lovers/boyfriends by calling them ‘bad news’. I’m telling her that she has no authority over her own life and I’m going to make better decisions for her since she can’t seem to pick the right guy for herself. I’m judging her self -confidence and worth by telling her what I think she deserves; how much I think she is worth.

All in all, I’m criticizing her personal choices.

I’m also telling her that our friendship is no longer a safe place to openly be herself. I’m telling her that this friendship is about me. I am not here for her to voice her concerns and lessen her burdens. I am here to praise myself for not making the same foolish mistakes that I am judging you for from where I sit on my high horse. I’m telling her to not trust me with her vulnerability.

She knows any other girl would try and leave him, but her feelings are outweighing her logic. And Love is rarely logically. She doesn’t need her friends pointing out the logical and less ’embarrassing’ option. She needs support so that she never feels trapped or shamed.

She needs support so that she can finally come to a new decision on her own in due time. Or she might never change her mind! And then she has to choose between you and him. Trust me, you’ll lose her then because she will always choose Love.

So when I tell her “Wise up, he’s no good for you” I’m also telling her “Wise up, I’m not much better.” Because if a friend needs to tear you down in order to build themselves up, then that’s not a friend you need to be around.

Dating apps can make you healthier

Dating apps are about showing your best self, or at least what you think daters want to see. There are certain trends that go on in the dating world as far as hobbies and interests are concerned. In order to seem more appealing to potential suitors you could find yourself getting interested in these hobbies. I have to say, a lot of them will make you an all around healthier and happier being. 

 

GYM

The first one is the Gym. Majority of the profiles will mention going to the gym or some other physical activity that keeps them in shape. This could persuade you to also get a membership to keep your body healthy and peak interest from more suitors.

 

TRAVEL

Perhaps the second biggest bio is traveling. People love to talk about their exciting adventures and show off pictures. It’s something cool and fun to talk about. Traveling makes you more cultured and educated by learning different ethnic languages and backgrounds. 

 

FRIENDS

In a profile you definitely want to show off that other people like your company by having pictures of you and your friends at a bar or event. To attract suitors you’ll want to do this as well and hanging out with friends is a great way to relax and relieve stress. Keeping a social life is part of maintaining a healthy balance of your life between work or school. Friends can help you through difficult situations and help you feel less alone.

 

FOODIE

There are plenty of foodies on dating sites that can help you explore cuisine from all over the world. You can also discover healthier food options that you might not have heard about before. Some may even try out a vegan diet.

 

Why friends are the best at judging boyfriends

Over two years ago I wrote an article about friends judging you when they judge your boyfriend and reading that article again now, I still agree with it as a whole. But now I’m writing the other side of that coin.

Your friends absolutely love you. They see you as a bright, caring, and supportive friend. They can recall all the times you helped them out in a tough situation and all the laughs you’ve shared together to survive school drama.

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They see you as your boyfriend should see you and that is why they are the best at judging if someone is right for you. They know how lucky your boyfriend is to have you and they want to make sure he knows it too. He couldn’t find a better girlfriend if he tried and they’ll make sure he doesn’t take that for granted.

They’re protective of you because they know your dating history and they don’t want to see you hurt again. They’ve seen you get dragged down by fixer uppers and they know you’ll put up with more than you should because you fear being lonely. They also know you haven’t had that good guy to show you how good a relationship should be. They want you to find that good guy. They want this boyfriend of yours to be that guy.

 

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But your friends are also not caught up in all the mushy emotions that fog up your decision making. They won’t let a guy string you along just because he’s hot. This outside perspective is able to judge character well. Your friends know what’s best for you and want you to have it.

They want to support you and they want to have a good relationship with your boyfriend so that you’re never left picking sides. But they also want you to be happy and receiving the love you deserve. If those two aren’t lining up though, they’ll hopefully speak up so that you don’t get hurt. And hopefully, you’ll listen.

 

 

Am I Bitter?

I read so many poems on almost relationships and half baked ones. Ones where there’s only one person fighting for this relationship. When looking at these ‘relationships’ from the outside it’s so easy to judge and wonder WHY IS SHE PUTTING UP WITH THIS?!

Unfortunately, things are never so easily black and white. We come up with all these reasons for why he can’t commit, and of course he has to love me otherwise he would be able to let me go, otherwise he wouldn’t keep taking me out on dates, otherwise we wouldn’t be intimate, the list goes on and on.

We really can’t make ourselves see the truth that he only likes the attention and we’re convient.

I had a friend in college and we bonded over the guys that were half in and half out in our lives. There were different ways in which they did this and for what ended up being different reasons. Eventually, her Stubborn became fully committed and they’re now in a long term, loving relationship.

Sometimes you break things off with your Stubborn and spend time apart. Months or years later you may reconnect and he realized who and what’s important in his life. And you two also end up in a long term, loving relationship.

Its stories like these that keep us running along to each precious breadcrumb they feel like dropping. I’ve been preaching that the answer is to always ditch the guy and find someone who knows how special you are from the start.

I preach that answer because the last option is that you got my Stubborn and you broke things off and finally found a partner who would do anything to show how much they love you and want you in their lives. A partner who is the complete opposite of what you’ve been putting up with in the past and one who makes you realize just how delusional you were for ever thinking that your Stubborn ever really liked/loved you.

But as I think about success stories, is it time I realize that maybe I’m just bitter? That my story didn’t work out the same way and I got burned in the end. Am I preventing others from their happy ends by telling them to call it quits? Or am I giving them a warning against an unhealthy relationship?

I always warned my friend against her Stubborn just like she did with me. And I think I would do it all over again even though it never stopped either of us.

You want the best for your friends and you know they’re so great so you automatically dislike anyone who doesn’t see exactly what you see. And that makes me bitter.

So yes I am bitter. Bitter against all Stubborns for not appreciating what they have when they have it. Bitter that there was ever someone in my friend’s life that had her doubting her self worth. 

 

Can Friends Stay Just Friends? October Advice Column

Dear DD,

What’s your opinion on guys being friends with females is it possible?

primadonnalove

 

I’ve answered before about what to do if your friend ends up developing feelings for you but I think this somewhat similar question has a completely different answer.

I absolutely think guys can be friends with girls without expecting the friendship to turn into something more. Bisexual people are attracted to both male and female genders but that doesn’t mean they want to date every single person they meet. Just because a straight guy is attracted to straight women doesn’t mean he’ll be attracted to his female friend. It’s a flawed logic to think guys and girls can’t be just friends.

I do think the more you get to know someone the more attached and attracted you become to them. You’ll relate to them and feel a connection, sometimes loneliness can muddle that up into romantic feelings. In fact other people in your lives will also start picturing the two of you as a couple.

The influence of those around you will also muddle your thoughts. May you find yourself sometimes staring at your friend’s beauty? Yes. May you sometimes wonder if you guys would work out as a couple? Yes. These thoughts are probably inevitable.

The catch is here that you don’t act on these thoughts. You know you two are good friends and you don’t really see yourself pursuing it. The thoughts pass and you continue on with your merry friendship. If this friendship was going to progress, it probably would have already by now.

 

 

July Advice Column

Dear DD,

I’ve been really close friends with this guy since high school, last month he told me he has feelings for me. I don’t feel the same way and don’t know how to handle our friendship now. It’s been soooo awkward! He’s one of my closest friends and I’d hate to lose that. What do I do?!

Sincerely,

We’re just friends

 

 

Dear We’re Just Friends,

First, defs send him Friends by Anne-Marie lol. Just kidding, that probably wouldn’t be very nice.

FRIENDS

Since it was last month, i’m sure you’ve already gone through that painfully awkward conversation of telling him you don’t feel the same way and want to go back to your close friendship.

Unfortunately, there’s not really a way to go back now that the cats out of the bag. The friendship conversation doesn’t just make emotional feelings disappear. You’ll probably always wonder if he’s reading more into a conversation or if doing certain activities together remind him of things a couple would do.

So as far as what to do, I do think a little bit of distance might help him get over you for the time being. You can see how things are going over the next few months but I wouldn’t be surprised if there are some outbursts of “i don’t even like you like that anymore” or “i’m so over you stop thinking that”. If that’s the case then he’s probably not over you.

Overall, i think it was best that he told you how he truly felt. He no longer has to wonder what could be and will hopefully stop idealizing this imaginary relationship with you. Years ago, I had been on his side of things and getting that definite answer that it would never be nothing more than a friendship really snapped me out of it. I stopped putting effort into the friendship and that’s when I realized how little he had been giving me.  

No matter what you try to do or how you handle this friendship, he probably will not get over you until he sets his eyes on someone else. So if there’s any way for you to help out in that area, I say go for it.

 

Advice Column June

Dear DD,

I’ve met this really great girl and we’ve gone on a handful of dates. My friends have been asking about her now and I can’t decide if it’s too soon to have her meet them? Is there a right time for when to bring the person you’ve been seeing to meet your friends?

-from friend zone

Congrats on the new lucky lady!

Your friends are able to give you an unbiased opinion about your potential significant other since the romantic feelings aren’t skewing their perspective. Friends know you well and know you deserve to be treated well. And it’s always great to have validation of your judgment in life partners by your friends support of the relationship. But when is the right time to introduce a potential partner to your friend group?

Not too Soon

It was important to me when meeting someone to establish a bond between us and make sure we are strong in our feelings for each other before he would meet any friends or family. I didn’t want to constantly bring a parade of new guys around and have my friends start thinking it was just another flavor of the week that would burn out in no time. For me it was serious and the next step in our relationship before becoming official. Having the support of those close to me was important. Since you’re wondering if it’s too early for them to meet, I’ll assume you don’t bring just any girl around your circle of friends.

Not too Late

The upside in letting your friends meet the person you’ve been seeing early on is that they can help you steer clear before it’s too late and you become too attached. You might be blinded by infatuation but your friends could pull you out of a disastrous relationship before you’ve invested too much time and effort. Has she mentioned wanting to meet your friends soon? If so, waiting much longer could start to make her feel unsure about your feelings for her. She may wonder if you’re keeping her a secret or that she’s the only one with strong feelings in this relationship.

Mixed Signals  

As I mentioned, meeting friends and family means a lot to me because it shows me they want to bring me into their world and have me form bonds with those close to them. If you’re planning on keeping the relationship casual it might be confusing to both your partner and friends to have them hanging out together regularly. For me personally, it would have me believing things were heading in a more serious direction and moving onto a different page then they are. You also might want to think about the fact that one of your friends might be start to like her and continue to bring her around even after your casual thing is over.

New Experience

It’s a good experience to see your potential SO in a social setting to see if they act different than when just alone with you. You can see if they’re making the effort to get to know your friends, if they’re outgoing or a sloppy drunk. Your friends can also see the two of you interact together and see if you pair up well as a team.

There are many benefits to having your friends and love interest meet. Before doing so you need to decide what kind of future you think this relationship has, think about if you want to intertwine the two parts of your life, and also talk to her about how she would feel about meeting your friends. Once you know the answer to these three questions you’ll know what to do!