10 Ticking Time Bombs in a Relationship

Keeping a relationship going is hard work and there are a number of traps you and your significant other can slip into. CEO from 1 Code Hub asked me what are some issues that could cause future break ups and I’m here with some answers!

Lack of communication  

I’ve answered before that communication is the most important part of a successful relationship. Even with how much you’re communicating now, you could probably always do some more. Communicating can be very tough; there are many different communication styles and it’s easy to read into words and become defensive. You may also be approaching a tough topic and that will make things tense and you’ll be nervous about how vulnerable you feel. Keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself though will only allow them to fester and can make an issue bigger than it needs to be. This also doesn’t give your partner a chance to give their side and perhaps ease your worries.

Past Issues

There’s a good chance this isn’t your first relationship but even if it is, you’ve experienced hurt through non romantic relationships. You’ve been abandoned, lied to, betrayed, and criticized. In order to protect yourself from getting hurt again, you’ll assume your partner will do these things to you as well until you’ve built up enough trust to let your guard down. This isn’t really fair to your partner to be treated like a criminal from the start. And it doesn’t start your relationship on a good foot either.

Assumptions

A lack of communication and trust issues can lead to a lot of assumptions. Your thoughts and fears will get the best of you. You’ll imagine the worst and your fear will shut you down. This will feed into your self doubt and seeps into the relationship. You’re dooming your relationship before giving it a real chance.  

Social media

There have been a few studies on how Social media has affected the mental health of today’s society and that leaks into your relationships with others. Social media can be detrimental to a relationship due to the comparison it allows. You see other relationships on social media, in love and having fun just after another fight with your boo. You become insecure about your own relationship and wonder why you are both struggling so much right now.

What you don’t see in those smiling photos are all the fights and tears those couples have gone through. I’m always surprised when I learn about disagreements in relationships close to me. How did I not know about the issues they had been facing? They seem so happy and healthy together. Social media makes it difficult to remember that every couple, especially happy ones, still have their issues and face hard times.

Social media also allows you to keep track of your SO and learn a history of things about them early on. A lack of independence and privacy isn’t healthy for even the closest of couples. If you’re stalking your SO to see all the photos they like and become jealous when you find someone attractive. This is something you didn’t really need to learn about as long as there’s no direct contact. There’s a certain about of autopilot when on social media and I’m sure you still find strangers attractive as well. Doesn’t mean you want a relationship with them and the same should be said for your partner.

Involving too many people in your relationship

Every single relationship will have issues arise at some point. It’s at these times that you’ll want to turn to others for emotional support and guidance. Sometimes talking to someone can talk you down from an issue and help you be more understanding when going back to your significant other to talk things out.

The issue is that you’re looking for guidance to make a relationship work but you’re also giving reasons for your friends and family to dislike your significant other. This can make things difficult down the road so try to think of the future even when having current issues. You’re also letting other people’s opinions steer your relationship which doesn’t really involve them. In the end, it’s your relationship, treat it as such. Of course, there will be times when your family needs to step up when your emotions are clouding your judgment too much to take proper care of yourself.

Lack of Support

Ignoring the concerns and struggles of your partner is a recipe for ending up alone. By doing so you’re teaching them that they can’t rely on you for support and you invalidate their feelings. It’s very important to operate as a unit when out with others. You won’t agree with your partner on a number of topics and should voice that if it’s important but you also don’t want your partner to start feeling like it’s them against you and your friends/family. You’re the one who’s close to your family and it’s up to you to stand up to them and defend your partner. This show of support will carry you through some tough times in the relationship.  

I Don’t Know How to Handle Missing You

A moment alone and my thoughts lead me straight to you

And my heart breaks over and over again

How can anyone else can handle this pain in their chest?

I want to write about you

But i’ve already cried too much today

I think about you

And it’s like i’m reliving it all over again

Cant even write the word funeral

Without tears falling

I hope you know that I love you

With how much it hurts to write it

And not be able to tell you.
-July 2018

Bobby Pins

Blonde Bobby pins litter my black dresser

like stars across tonight’s chilled autumn sky.

Another reminder that she is truly mine

kissed her for hours because I hate goodbyes.

I joke around about all the things she leaves at my place

but my love grows for her and she keeps filling up the space

in my heart so she is always close to me.

If I ever lost her it wouldn’t be the holiday gifts or lonely nights

that would bring me to my knees.

it would be the one little bobby pin that would flood me with memories

one little bobby pin that would break me down and in the flood I’d drown.

-Oct 2017

My Sun

I can’t help but gravitate to her

So sweet, she has me on a sugar high

So beautiful, surely I’ll go blind.

I’d do anything for that girl.

 

I never thought I’d find someone so perfect for me

She’s the North Star I’ll follow through even the roughest storm

the Religion I’d kneel before and pray to everyday

One day she’s gonna break my heart.

And I’ll gladly give it to her again in pieces

 

Nothing could keep me from her

because Heaven is Hell without her

She’s the center of my Universe

There is no Me without Her.

 

-June 2017

 

Do Genders Handle Break Ups Differently? (Part 2- Girl’s Perspective)

There are songs and comics about this theory of how men and women handle break ups so I decided to ask about WordPress to see how well it holds up, check out the Male Perspective from last week if you missed it!

First Tarnished Soul hits us with some hard truths:

“I have never broken-up with anyone, and I am in the process of making a first attempt at breaking up with my wife. I have always had other people break up with me, and I always handled it pathetically and sought validation for myself in truly self-destructive ways. As I face the reality that my current relationship is unhealthy and just wishing she would end it, I have come to accept that the only person that can create the change I want is me. With that being said, I am still not handling it very well, but I am not intentionally doing anything self-destructive. That’s not to say that I don’t feel bad and that I don’t want to do something rash and stupid and pathetic, because those feelings and thoughts are there. But I am trying to do something utterly different – forgive myself and accept myself as I am. Hopefully, I will come out the other side a better person.”

And Biryani offers us this to mull over:

“When it all came to an end, I only felt one thing. Relief. Pure relief! It had been a truly bittersweet moment and while I was upset, I felt more frustration at myself for not ending things earlier. This slight indifference towards my ex obviously helped in moving on. But the most important thing was deleting his number, blocking him on social media & deleting all his photos from my phone. This can seem like a huge step to take so quickly, but it is the only one that helps. You need to be FREE of your ex. All traces of them should be erased, think of it like a detox or rehab session! Go cold turkey and ditch that unhealthy part of your emotional diet.

The second thing is to realise that it is not the end of the world. I was optimistic about enjoying my new single life and so I did. I went on holidays, spent time with my family & did whatever made me happy. Still, it took me a year and a half to be ready and willing to date again. This millennial age is fantastic, there are so many ways to be introduced to someone. But before you get to that stage, remember to enjoy yourself and be happy. Because nobody has the ability to affect your life after they have left. You’re in charge!”

Interestingly enough it’s Soul’s response that most closely matches the man’s supposed coping mechanisms from Bentley’s song. She doesn’t give a specific example of ‘sleeping all day and leaving the house a wreck’ but she does talk about being rash, stupid, and self-destructive.

I also see some similarities in Tommy’s response from last week and Biryani’s response above. Tommy mentioned being at peace and I think that speaks to being free of your ex and taking time to yourself to be happy all on your own. Both talk about a clean break to detox from their exes, deleting all pictures and messages, and no messy in-between friends/ lovers business post break up. So maybe men and women don’t handle break ups as differently as we thought.

Overall, I think there are some amazing messages in here from our fellow bloggers about accepting yourself, believing that you have the power over your own happiness, and to take the time to feel confident enough to stand on your own before going into a relationship.

Do Genders Handle Break Ups Differently? (Part 1- Guys Perspective)

The idea for this article came to me after hearing the song “Different for Girls” -Dierks Bentley in which the lyrics talk about how only guys get drunk at a bar looking to take a new girl home or acting tough punching walls and turning into slobs. I wanted to know if the song was right and decided to reach out to two wonderful men in the blogger community for their input on breaks ups!

Tommy says:

“As Neil Sedaka famously sang, breaking up is hard to do. However, I’ve been luckier than most in that regard. For one, I’ve always been the initiator (although the last one was a tie). It’s definitely easier than being on the receiving end. It’s even easier if you’ve never been in love (which I wouldn’t mind finding someday). My relationships have trended on the shorter side; ending a longer one with more emotional investment would undoubtedly be more painful.

But so far I’ve been largely at peace with things after a breakup. After multitudes of rejections, it’s a nice feeling to know that someone was willing to go further and explore things with me – even if it didn’t work out in the end. The hardest part for me is trying to remain friends afterwards. I’ve tried it each time, but don’t think I will in the future. It’s a difficult area to navigate without things getting awkward and uncertain. For me, a clean break with no contact is the way to go, otherwise how can I completely move on?”

And Paul adds:

“Breakups. Well, bloody hell! There are things in my life that have been more difficult and much more important to deal with. This is a fact I’m consciously aware of—and yet, I have always managed to allow breakups to override absolutely everything when they happen.

I’m unfortunate enough to have experienced being broken up with on numerous occasions and, at the time, I thought nothing could possibly feel as bad. That was until I had to end a four-year relationship and I realized how much harder that is than being dumped. Hurting people hurts. Telling somebody they no longer fit your lifestyle… to me, I might as well be driving a knife through their heart and, subsequently, my own. It’s horrible.

Even if the breakup is for the best and you both know it, they’re extremely difficult and they’ll play on your conscience (provided if you’re blessed with a conscience). You’ll question everything. You’ll procrastinate wildly over what your life will lack without your partner in it. You’ll think of all the good things they do and the happy times you had with them. You’ll constantly weigh up the pros and cons; constantly try to talk yourself out of going through with it. It’ll play on your mind day and night.

In conclusion, breakups suck! Unfortunately, sometimes, they’re absolutely necessary…”

Both men seem to agree its easier to be broken up with than having to do the actual breaking up. Paul points out how difficult it is to know you’re hurting someone you spent so many years loving. Tommy agrees to this point, which contradicts the song’s idea that guys can just forget about an ex, just switching off their emotions and finding a new girl to distract them like a flimsy Band-Aid.

Of course, Tommy brings up being ‘at peace’ with most of his shorter relationships and perhaps he would go out on a boy’s night after such a break up. But he’s not drowning in alcohol or being swarmed by women in order to get over or forget these break ups. And Paul certainly not punching walls as the break up debate goes on in his head and things of all the good times with his ex.

Maybe the song got things mixed up and it’s the women who drink their exes away? Check in next week to hear from some WordPress ladies!

(Also the song might not have mentioned being friends with your ex but I did, check it out! )

My First Scar

Maybe I’m so angry at you

because you remind me of him.

And I’m mad at myself for being the fool yet again

for not valuing myself like I deserve.

But it’s easier to blame you than to face myself

I can just leave you instead of fixing me

I was so innocent and open

when his dismissal slashed through me.

Poke the scar just right with your condescending tone

and it still pulses like it’s alive.

-June 2017