Deserving

I’ve been gone for a year now

Isn’t it time to finally let me go?

you’re so needy for attention

but I had nothing to do with who you decided to love

You know I deserve more than just sleepless conversation

Men gift me with their time and effort

You know I deserve more than you

She loves you like you loved me

And you know you deserve her

-June 2017

Do You Even Know What You Want?

You’ve chosen her

and I can’t blame the heart for what it wants

But is it everything you thought it would be?

Or do you find you thoughts slipping to me?

First love is hard to beat

I don’t wish to be the girl fighting

a one sided battle that can’t be won.

Maybe loving me would have been too easy

What’s the allure in a love that’s given freely?

Is that why you chase after my attention now?

I know you hit me up every night she let’s you down.

-June 2017

Love You, Love Me Not

I could love you if you let me

but you keep me outside your heart

my fingertips stroke at the pulse of your vulnerability

No, I guess you’re keeping your heart safe for someone else

My thoughts race for hours stirring up all the ways I don’t measure up

I’d drown in self doubt if Sleep didn’t take mercy on me.

Your heart beats for her but will it bleed?

No flower petal or wishing star is willing to take that bet with me.

See loving you would be bad for my health

My heart would sacrifice me in order to make room for you

And without a home in yours, I grow weak and insecure

Starving for your love would be the death of me.

So this is self preservation baby

I’ve bled too much for you

It’s my life or yours,

and I choose Mine.

-June 2017

The Consequences

I’ve been walking around all day shaking my head. Dumbfounded. Confused. Different ended things last night and I was a bit blindsided. He ended things over something he learned two days ago when I last saw him. He joked about it and still held my hand. He even planted our first kiss on me.

That was a test I guess. Him trying to convince himself he liked me maybe. Seeing if he really could. I guess he couldn’t. Heck the other night he sent me a Led Zeppelin song to listen to, “Baby I’m Gonna Leave You”. Well yes, Sir I guess you did.

What he has learned, he didn’t like. I had done something to upset him. I broke his trust and that was it, done. I wanted to fight him, plead my case, and apologize. But he had already decided. Its hard to fight someone when they already have their mind made up. I felt like I didn’t get to hear the full story. That there was more to this.

If I had known it would upset him then I never would have done it. I feel like I deserve another chance. Like I already had someone else’s past mistakes on my record. Was I paying for someone who has hurt him in the past?

The other option is that he wanted to end things with me anyway and this was his first chance out. Maybe he knew I wasn’t the one for him. He had tried to give me a shot and I just didn’t make the cut. I’ve done this with other guys before. Tried to give it a chance knowing that I wasn’t really into it. Or maybe it was intimacy issues on his part since we knew such deep, personal things about each other so quickly. Maybe it was too much for him. He had to leave before he could get hurt. Of course, that doesn’t make him different, in fact it makes him a little too similar to my past guys.

Either way, it feels unresolved but I havent contacted him. Something I learned from Stubborn. And something I learned from life is that you don’t always get closure.

One last thing I did learn from my short time with Different though is just how much has to go right in order to make a relationship work. We had similar life goals, which was a first for my suitors. He also brought back to life my fragile, innocent childhood dreams. I felt connected to him in a way I hadn’t with anyone else and now I want to search for that connection in others. There’s plenty more I liked about him so why does love keep not working out for me? What has to be aligned? Values, personality, life goals, passions, chemistry?

He seemed so right and it feels so unfinished. I’m still half hoping that he’ll tell him friends about how things ended and they’ll lead him back to me. Tell him I deserve another chance. That my good outweighs the bad.

I’m hopeful for that because I feel so hopeless having to jump that in the dating pool again. I had found a fish that was very smart and a little weird and I wanted to keep him longer. I wanted to see where the current would take us.

I’m sad it’s over.

I’m angry at the injustice of not explaining myself more.

At the injustice of not getting the full story. Not understanding why it would make him so upset.

At myself for making him upset and causing this ending.

I’m defeated about love at the moment.

I’m tired of putting myself out there just to lose out again.

LOL That Time I Seemed like the Crazy Girl No One Wanted

I agree that he might have just meant that being on an app for so long is discouraging for anyone, myself included actually because I tend to take 3-5 month long breaks after being on dating apps for 2 or so months. I decided to go for the dramatic answer and I’ll explain why. I believe the ease of having so many available suitors at your fingertips, the anonymity behind a screen, and the ability to use filters so you can build your perfect soul mate with precisely the characteristics you want attracts emotionally unavailable and immature people.

You don’t have to take every date so seriously when there’s 5 other messages waiting for you after dinner. If there’s just one thing you don’t like then on to the next one. People don’t put in real effort because of this. There’s no vulnerability and we can easily hide from our emotional issues. Blame it on someone else when things don’t work out once again.

I actually know a couple whom met on Tinder and are now engaged! And Mr. Romantic was from Tinder so there are definitely emotionally ready people on dating apps, they’re just hidden gems.

I am, of course, lumping myself into being emotionally unready. I have yet to have a real, serious relationship but I’m young so I can’t complain much. But I do believe that I now fear that type of intimacy. I’ve been hurt by caring too deeply for the wrong people, imagine the kind of heartbreak if it doesn’t work out after a long, genuine relationship! I’ve been on dating sites for 2 years and all past suitors have left, of course I’m a bit scarred that it will happen again. That I will be left again.

Without a doubt, this is always the gamble for anyone looking for love. You have to risk getting hurt. I am not the only one who has been left, the only one to experience heartache, and I won’t be the last. I just have to try really hard to not let my insecurities and fears stop me from taking the risk. I was very conscious of that with Mr. Romantic and I made a lot of personal strides during my time with him (Heck, I’m nearly 100% positive he would agree).

So that brings me to my next point, I can’t date someone that I don’t see a future with. I’m not sure how other people do it but if I know there is a serious issue that will make us part paths down the line then why get attached and make ourselves hurt that badly? The odds are not in my favor for finding my future husband in my early twenties online. So that leaves me single, unfortunately. And on dating apps for two years…

 

A Few Rules to Help You Keep Your High Standards

I imagine if you’re a male and you read this article, you might feel a little bit misunderstood and let me just say I am not talking about you. This is for all the immature boys who don’t want to commit to the girl they’re stringing along.

For the past year, my standards have been the perfect height (for new men only, don’t worry I’m well aware I stuck around Stubborn too long).

So a few tips for the girls who seem to always wind up with a f*uckboy:

  • If you set up a date with me for the following weekend and then make no effort AT ALL till the night before when you say “we still on?”. Dude, No we’re NOT still on.

 

  • If you get frisky in the first 3 days looking for some fun then I’ll ‘casually’ drop you into the delete box.

 

  • Randomly leave me hanging all day with no explanation… Exit stage left please. I get it, you lead a busy life but all you had to do was say “I’m at work, talk tonight”.

 

  • Say any sexist, misogynistic garbage, treating women like sexual objects to conquer, or just a general lack of respect for an entire gender. You’ll be taken out like the trash that you are.

 

  • If a new guy does any of the nonsense Stubborn pulled then I’m chucking the deuces up on my way out the door.

 

I am very good at not tolerating fuckboy behavior from new prospects. It’s very easy when they’re new and there are no emotional ties blurring my judgment. Heck, that’s how I landed Mr. Right. My past dating protocol has not worked for me, I’ve learned quite a few things, and I refuse to suffer anymore at the hands of boys too immature to handle a real relationship.

Ladies, if you relate to my frustrations I hope you’ll eventually find yourself in the arms of a man who really appreciates you. If you currently have an almost relationship with your phone then I hope you know it’s not a race, and the journey will teach you many things.