Love You, Love Me Not

I could love you if you let me

but you keep me outside your heart

my fingertips stroke at the pulse of your vulnerability

No, I guess you’re keeping your heart safe for someone else

My thoughts race for hours stirring up all the ways I don’t measure up

I’d drown in self doubt if Sleep didn’t take mercy on me.

Your heart beats for her but will it bleed?

No flower petal or wishing star is willing to take that bet with me.

See loving you would be bad for my health

My heart would sacrifice me in order to make room for you

And without a home in yours, I grow weak and insecure

Starving for your love would be the death of me.

So this is self preservation baby

I’ve bled too much for you

It’s my life or yours,

and I choose Mine.

-June 2017

When I Leave

My memories were tinted from love

but now I’m realizing you’re just somebody I barely knew

so it doesn’t hurt that much to think about you

I finally figured out life has more to offer me

than you never giving me the time of day

you’ll be crying because you know it’s true

that you’re losing everything

while I’m only losing you


When I leave you’ll finally be off my mind

cause when I leave I’m leaving your heart behind

for all the hurt you did to me, it better hurt to miss me when I leave


-Jan 2013


You’re Gone

I didn’t think you’d be gone so soon

kinda thought we might be headed for the moon.

Don’t really know why you had to go

was hoping you’d be the star in my show.

I wish you could have just been honest.

Were you scared, was it something I said?

Now I just need you out of my head.


-February 2017


The Consequences

I’ve been walking around all day shaking my head. Dumbfounded. Confused. Different¬†ended things last night and I was a bit blindsided. He ended things over something he learned two days ago when I last saw him. He joked about it and still held my hand. He even planted our first kiss on me.

That was a test I guess. Him trying to convince himself he liked me maybe. Seeing if he really could. I guess he couldn’t. Heck the other night he sent me a Led Zeppelin song to listen to, “Baby I’m Gonna Leave You”. Well yes, Sir I guess you did.

What he has learned, he didn’t like. I had done something to upset him. I broke his trust and that was it, done. I wanted to fight him, plead my case, and apologize. But he had already decided. Its hard to fight someone when they already have their mind made up. I felt like I didn’t get to hear the full story. That there was more to this.

If I had known it would upset him then I never would have done it. I feel like I deserve another chance. Like I already had someone else’s past mistakes on my record. Was I paying for someone who has hurt him in the past?

The other option is that he wanted to end things with me anyway and this was his first chance out. Maybe he knew I wasn’t the one for him. He had tried to give me a shot and I just didn’t make the cut. I’ve done this with other guys before. Tried to give it a chance knowing that I wasn’t really into it. Or maybe it was intimacy issues on his part since we knew such deep, personal things about each other so quickly. Maybe it was too much for him. He had to leave before he could get hurt. Of course, that doesn’t make him different, in fact it makes him a little too similar to my past guys.

Either way, it feels unresolved but I havent contacted him. Something I learned from Stubborn. And something I learned from life is that you don’t always get closure.

One last thing I did learn from my short time with Different though is just how much has to go right in order to make a relationship work. We had similar life goals, which was a first for my suitors. He also brought back to life my fragile, innocent childhood dreams. I felt connected to him in a way I hadn’t with anyone else and now I want to search for that connection in others. There’s plenty more I liked about him so why does love keep not working out for me? What has to be aligned? Values, personality, life goals, passions, chemistry?

He seemed so right and it feels so unfinished. I’m still half hoping that he’ll tell him friends about how things ended and they’ll lead him back to me. Tell him I deserve another chance. That my good outweighs the bad.

I’m hopeful for that because I feel so hopeless having to jump that in the dating pool again. I had found a fish that was very smart and a little weird and I wanted to keep him longer. I wanted to see where the current would take us.

I’m sad it’s over.

I’m angry at the injustice of not explaining myself more.

At the injustice of not getting the full story. Not understanding why it would make him so upset.

At myself for making him upset and causing this ending.

I’m defeated about love at the moment.

I’m tired of putting myself out there just to lose out again.