When to Say No

I have been on quite a few dates over the years. There is a debate about when to say No to a date/guy. Should you say yes to every guy? Give a fair chance to everyone? Will it burn you out to always be saying Yes? When is the time to say No?

I mentioned before being nudged into a coffee date because I was being called out for judging this guy too quickly. I didn’t want to seem like a judgmental bitch to this stranger (why I would care is another post for another time) so I agreed to coffee. See, I knew I was right that this guy wasn’t a good match for me.

That doesn’t make him a bad person or me a better one. It bugged me that I couldn’t say No. Actually I had already said No! It was when I originally said No that he called me judgmental and it’s really quite difficult to say No twice.

So we get coffee and he wasn’t the guy for me. We didn’t have much in common, we didn’t have any chemistry, things he considered fun were things that sounded like my personal nightmare. We were just too different and there wasn’t anything pushing us to make it work anyway. And you shouldn’t have to try to make it work with every person you meet. You’re allowed to be picky. You’re allowed to have standards.

I gotta admit, this post isn’t really for any of you. It’s for me. I’m here to tell myself that it’s okay to say No. It’s okay to stick to your guns. It’s okay to say No as many times as you want! Whenever you want!You don’t want to go out on a date, don’t go. You like this guy but you don’t want to go back to his house yet, don’t. You went back to his house and the clothes are falling to the bedroom floor, You’re allowed to change your mind and say No.

No matter where you are in the relationship or in the moment, you have the freedom and the right to say No. You don’t owe him anything. But you do owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself. Be your own Advocate. Be your own strength.

What are you looking for on here


In order to not waste each other’s time, an early question in the online dating world will be “What are you looking for on here?”. 

You never want to start off as seeming desperate so you always play it cool. Originally, I would go for an open ended, lighthearted response because I know boys scare easily. But now, if the idea of a relationship scares you then I don’t even want to waste my time hand holding you through the beginning of a relationship.

And that’s why I hate guys who say they’re 

“taking it day by day” 

“wherever it leads is where I end up” 

“nothing in particular” 

“just seeing how things go” 

“idk what I’m looking for”

(all actual quotes I’ve received)

I get not wanting to come off too strong but these guys just don’t care at alllll. I hate the wishy washy, could take it or leave it attitude. I want someone who cares and puts in effort. Who shows respect and potential. I know finding a real match is difficult and a lot of dating is ‘seeing how things go’ but I want someone who is mentally and emotionally ready to commit. 

These are guys that are just not as desperate as the guys who say they’re straight up looking for a good time. But they both are looking for the same thing. Casual, surface level companionship. They’re just trying to spin it a little differently so you’ll be fooled into thinking they really care about you. 

I’m looking for a boyfriend and I know these guys aren’t looking to settle down anytime soon and I’m not going to waste my time on that. I know friends with benefits can turn into a real relationship but that’s the exception to the rule and I’m not counting on beating the odds with that one. 

Unfortunately, some people just use dating apps as a way to pass the time and stave off boredom. It seems I’ve been running into a lot of them lately.

DD is 4 years old!

Debatably Dateable is 4 years old! My oh my, how big she’s grown! I can’t believe this blog is 4 years old today! 

If I’m honest, I did not put much effort into my blog this year. I go through waves of inspiration and droughts, and I’ve had an extremely long drought this year. Fall 2019 I was doing great with my queue and I think that honestly held me through. When the summer started I did start to work on new content. But I haven’t really been active on here and the stats really show from July 2019 5,003 to this July (just last month). 

6,000 !

I am proud that DD has over 6,000 followers, I appreciate every single one of you for taking the time to read the thoughts and feelings I share. I hope my honesty has helped some of you feel connected to something outside of yourself. I’m also proud to stay that I’ve posted 700 articles/poems over these 4 years and I’ve loved exploring so many topics with all of you!

 

She’s helped me launch 3 poetry collections now and I’m so thankful to have WordPress as a platform to share my work with all of you!

Purchase any of my books on amazon here!

July Playlist – Want You Back

 

1.Come Back Song (2010)

Darius Rucker starts off with a clever analogy of his morning coffee and the end of his relationship. He’s willing to admit he was wrong for ending the relationship and that she is doing well without him. The night seems to hit the hardest, missing her as he tries to fall asleep alone. He hopes this song will reach her and publicly humble him as he tries to win her back.

 

2. I Want You Back (1996)

NSYNC* brings another great bop as they sing of a mistake they’re trying to take back. He has to apologize and find a way to get her back. He reflects on how naive he was in the beginning of the relationship and the things he’d do differently now.

 

3. We Belong Together (2005)

Mariah Carey expresses her guilt of ending a relationship and how she misses his voice and touch. She remembers all the good times they had together and how he was such an important part of her life. Everything is reminding her of how much she misses him and how lonely she is now. The loss she feels is too great to properly explain.

 

4. Want You Back (2017)

HAIM sings of fearing love and therefore driving her lover away. But she’s ready to open up now and be vulnerable. She admits her mistake and will take the blame if that’s what it takes to get him back. She’s ready to commit her heart to loving him if he’ll let her. 

 

5. What if I Told You That I Love You (2020)

Ali Gatie wonders what she could say to get her lover back. She wonders if he could possibly feel the same way she does. She’s also a bit insecure about their past and if his feelings were really true for her. She fights an uphill battle though as he has found a new love. Still she hopes she’s not alone in her feelings.

 

 

 I’LL ALWAYS TRY TO REACH YOU  

I don’t know where you go 

when you’re away from me.

One minute you’re here 

and the next 

there’s a mile wide wall between us 

built with pebbles and stones 

of misplaced anger and insecurity.

I test the wall’s strength with jokes

and try to chip away at the concrete with

sweet words and a reassuring hand.

SHORTCOMINGS

You’ll need to have enough patience 

for two because I’m always losing mine. 

Sometimes I’ll pull out my hair from all the stress.

I can’t always keep my cool 

so I’ll clam up in frustration 

fearful that I could shout something I’d regret.

 

I think being late is a sign of disrespect 

and I don’t like to change my mind.

It will sometimes take me a beat 

to figure out what’s right.

But understand these hang ups

and I’ll always do right by you.