When to Say No

I have been on quite a few dates over the years. There is a debate about when to say No to a date/guy. Should you say yes to every guy? Give a fair chance to everyone? Will it burn you out to always be saying Yes? When is the time to say No?

I mentioned before being nudged into a coffee date because I was being called out for judging this guy too quickly. I didn’t want to seem like a judgmental bitch to this stranger (why I would care is another post for another time) so I agreed to coffee. See, I knew I was right that this guy wasn’t a good match for me.

That doesn’t make him a bad person or me a better one. It bugged me that I couldn’t say No. Actually I had already said No! It was when I originally said No that he called me judgmental and it’s really quite difficult to say No twice.

So we get coffee and he wasn’t the guy for me. We didn’t have much in common, we didn’t have any chemistry, things he considered fun were things that sounded like my personal nightmare. We were just too different and there wasn’t anything pushing us to make it work anyway. And you shouldn’t have to try to make it work with every person you meet. You’re allowed to be picky. You’re allowed to have standards.

I gotta admit, this post isn’t really for any of you. It’s for me. I’m here to tell myself that it’s okay to say No. It’s okay to stick to your guns. It’s okay to say No as many times as you want! Whenever you want!You don’t want to go out on a date, don’t go. You like this guy but you don’t want to go back to his house yet, don’t. You went back to his house and the clothes are falling to the bedroom floor, You’re allowed to change your mind and say No.

No matter where you are in the relationship or in the moment, you have the freedom and the right to say No. You don’t owe him anything. But you do owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself. Be your own Advocate. Be your own strength.

Saying “You Can Do Better” but Meaning…

I have definitely said, “You can do better” to a friend before and I have also had it said to me. I realize it is a friend trying to support, compliment, and look out for you. That’s how I meant it when I said it, along with “You deserve so much better” and “Forget him, he’s nothing but bad news anyway”. What I’m also willing to admit is that I’m passing along a lot of judgment while saying these ‘encouraging’ comments (read: critiques).

I’m judging her taste and ability to choose lovers/boyfriends by calling them ‘bad news’. I’m telling her that she has no authority over her own life and I’m going to make better decisions for her since she can’t seem to pick the right guy for herself. I’m judging her self -confidence and worth by telling her what I think she deserves; how much I think she is worth.

All in all, I’m criticizing her personal choices.

I’m also telling her that our friendship is no longer a safe place to openly be herself. I’m telling her that this friendship is about me. I am not here for her to voice her concerns and lessen her burdens. I am here to praise myself for not making the same foolish mistakes that I am judging you for from where I sit on my high horse. I’m telling her to not trust me with her vulnerability.

She knows any other girl would try and leave him, but her feelings are outweighing her logic. And Love is rarely logically. She doesn’t need her friends pointing out the logical and less ’embarrassing’ option. She needs support so that she never feels trapped or shamed.

She needs support so that she can finally come to a new decision on her own in due time. Or she might never change her mind! And then she has to choose between you and him. Trust me, you’ll lose her then because she will always choose Love.

So when I tell her “Wise up, he’s no good for you” I’m also telling her “Wise up, I’m not much better.” Because if a friend needs to tear you down in order to build themselves up, then that’s not a friend you need to be around.

SHORTCOMINGS

You’ll need to have enough patience 

for two because I’m always losing mine. 

Sometimes I’ll pull out my hair from all the stress.

I can’t always keep my cool 

so I’ll clam up in frustration 

fearful that I could shout something I’d regret.

 

I think being late is a sign of disrespect 

and I don’t like to change my mind.

It will sometimes take me a beat 

to figure out what’s right.

But understand these hang ups

and I’ll always do right by you.

Ddateable sited on Jupiter!

Thanks again to Jupiter for the lovely shout out!!

“Poetry

My Real Work by Paul Vincent Cannon. If, like me, you spend a lot of time in boring, pointless work meetings when you’d rather be writing and creating, this poem will really speak to you!

I Can’t Admit the Truth by Megan O’Keeffe (Debatably Dateable). A beautiful poem that tugs at my heart ♥

Some of Jupiter’s posts

I wrapped up the erotic story series that started my blogging journey in the first place, Did You Miss Me (Part 6);

Wrote a couple of silly, saucy poems inspired by some sexy men’s underwear- Kinky Britches and You Tease, and name-checked one of my favourite musical artists, Australia’s Kate Miller-Heidke, and her brilliant and hilarious song “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?” about getting a Facebook friend request from an ex lover;

Got booby-licious and whipped “the girls” out for my offerings for Wicked Wednesday, Food for Thought Friday, and Friday is Boobday, as well as by way of apology in What a Day!;”

 

Check out the rest of the article here!

Is your guy relationship material?

You’ve been seeing this guy for a few weeks or months and things are going great! You’re hanging out together regularly and you’ve talked about the relationship progressing from exclusive to fully committed and official. There are some telltale signs to show that you’re guy is really ready and good relationship material.

 

Communicates

He’s communicating about his feelings and thoughts, your feelings or thoughts, or just about the weekend plans together. He’s asking about your day and filling you in on his.

 

Makes Plans for the Future

He’s looking past just the next few days with you and plans into the future. He’s thinking about concerts, festivals, and gatherings with close ones that are weeks and months into the future. He sees you in that future, not just a present short term relationship.

 

He Factors you into his Future

When he’s thinking about his future he’s including you and considering how it will work for the two of you together. This may come a bit further along but when considering school, work, or big financial decisions, he’s factoring in how it will affect the relationship and how to make the future work cohesively.

 

Improving Himself

He’s improving himself for his future and himself with your support and motivation. He wants to make sure he’s the man you want.

 

He tries to connect with your friends and family

He knows your friends and family are an important part of your life and he wants work on integrating himself into your social world. The relationship doesn’t need the added pressure of your friends or family not approving of him so he’ll work to make sure that doesn’t happen.

 

Then to Now

I can’t believe

That the months have gone by

And the passion still rages

Like our first week together.

The electric jitters have been replaced

With knowing stares and secret smiles.

Second date or 522nd your hand

still falls on my lap in the car.

So many firsts have been shared

But my love for you still feels brand new

Still sad when I leave your place

Because I can never spend enough time with you

I love you’s used to get stuck in the back of my throat

Now they’re tumbling out of my mouth like salmon swimming upstream.

I thought these feelings might have settled by now

But this beating in my chest is and always will be for you.

 

-June

(+)

Dear Dateable (Feb) Advice Column

Dear Dateable,

What if I can’t tell if he loves me or not?

DD:I went back and asked if this was a current relationship or a crush because I think the answers would vary a little and I’ve decided to answer it both ways. It may be worthwhile to check out my post on signs he’s into you.

For a crush: There’s a lot of uncertainty for the two of you, so not knowing if he loves you or not is very stressful. Since he is your crush I imagine you’ve been paying a lot of attention to him. Does he make an effort to talk to you, ask you about your days and hobbies? Does he ask if you’ll be at that party this weekend or try to find ways to be around you? If the answer so far has been mostly No then maybe he’s not good at expressing his thoughts verbally and you need to see his actions instead. Does he find ways to be near you? Does he do little things that make your life easier?

If the answer is still No then a lack of maturity could be the issue or sadly, he just might not be that into you (link older article). One last thing to keep in mind though is have you made it obvious to him that you like him? Could he read those questions and mostly answer Yes? Have you been honest and straightforward “I like you, I would like to date you, what do you think?”

I know it’s scary to put yourself out there like that but this not knowing will fill you with doubt and destroy your peace of mind from the inside out so even if it’s not the answer you’re hoping for, it’s better to know for sure than always wonder.

For a relationship: It’s very possible you might have a different love language than your significant other. That’s very common and nothing to fear. The way in which you show love and expect it to be shown back to you might be very different than the way your significant other naturally shows their love for you. For example, you might be vocal about your love, writing love letters, showering them with compliments, and always ending an exchange with ‘I love you’. Your significant other might be quiet or reserved and you may be hurt that they never compliment you or say I Love You first. This is where it’s important to 1. Figure out your love language and your SO’s love language and 2. Directly communicate to your SO that you need to be shown some love in your love language (to continue the example, you might ask them to write you a note of appreciate or love or to make the effort to compliment you more).

It’s important you find out the love language of your SO other because this can help you notice the ways in which they ARE showing their love. For example, they might show love by spending quality time together. No matter how busy their schedule is, they make sure that they are home to spend every dinner with you. And sure, you are capable of walking the dog by yourself, but they walk with you every time for that extra one on one time. This extra effort may have been going by unnoticed to you. You may have even gotten annoyed when they asked you to check your social media apps after dinner but now you’re realized how much they cherish that time of undivided attention and connection.

Aside from realizing all the ways you are being shown love, you can also make the effort to show them love in that same way as well. You’ll feel connected again when you start making this effort along with seeing them make the effort to speak your love language too.

Everything You Are to Me

You are the sunshine on my face

the day after another April shower.

You are the lighthouse

guiding me home in the roughest waters.

You are the gorgeous mountain ridge

that takes my breathe away every sunset.

You are the galaxy swirling in the midnight sky

that floods my heart with childlike wonder.

I was searching blindly until you shed your light on me.

You are every minute that makes this life worth living.

You are my happiness, my comfort, my heart.

-Nov 2017