I’ve been walking around all day shaking my head. Dumbfounded. Confused. Different ended things last night and I was a bit blindsided. He ended things over something he learned two days ago when I last saw him. He joked about it and still held my hand. He even planted our first kiss on me.
That was a test I guess. Him trying to convince himself he liked me maybe. Seeing if he really could. I guess he couldn’t. Heck the other night he sent me a Led Zeppelin song to listen to, “Baby I’m Gonna Leave You”. Well yes, Sir I guess you did.
What he has learned, he didn’t like. I had done something to upset him. I broke his trust and that was it, done. I wanted to fight him, plead my case, and apologize. But he had already decided. Its hard to fight someone when they already have their mind made up. I felt like I didn’t get to hear the full story. That there was more to this.
If I had known it would upset him then I never would have done it. I feel like I deserve another chance. Like I already had someone else’s past mistakes on my record. Was I paying for someone who has hurt him in the past?
The other option is that he wanted to end things with me anyway and this was his first chance out. Maybe he knew I wasn’t the one for him. He had tried to give me a shot and I just didn’t make the cut. I’ve done this with other guys before. Tried to give it a chance knowing that I wasn’t really into it. Or maybe it was intimacy issues on his part since we knew such deep, personal things about each other so quickly. Maybe it was too much for him. He had to leave before he could get hurt. Of course, that doesn’t make him different, in fact it makes him a little too similar to my past guys.
Either way, it feels unresolved but I havent contacted him. Something I learned from Stubborn. And something I learned from life is that you don’t always get closure.
One last thing I did learn from my short time with Different though is just how much has to go right in order to make a relationship work. We had similar life goals, which was a first for my suitors. He also brought back to life my fragile, innocent childhood dreams. I felt connected to him in a way I hadn’t with anyone else and now I want to search for that connection in others. There’s plenty more I liked about him so why does love keep not working out for me? What has to be aligned? Values, personality, life goals, passions, chemistry?
He seemed so right and it feels so unfinished. I’m still half hoping that he’ll tell him friends about how things ended and they’ll lead him back to me. Tell him I deserve another chance. That my good outweighs the bad.
I’m hopeful for that because I feel so hopeless having to jump that in the dating pool again. I had found a fish that was very smart and a little weird and I wanted to keep him longer. I wanted to see where the current would take us.
I’m sad it’s over.
I’m angry at the injustice of not explaining myself more.
At the injustice of not getting the full story. Not understanding why it would make him so upset.
At myself for making him upset and causing this ending.
I’m defeated about love at the moment.
I’m tired of putting myself out there just to lose out again.