Do Genders Handle Break Ups Differently? (Part 1- Guys Perspective)

The idea for this article came to me after hearing the song “Different for Girls” -Dierks Bentley in which the lyrics talk about how only guys get drunk at a bar looking to take a new girl home or acting tough punching walls and turning into slobs. I wanted to know if the song was right and decided to reach out to two wonderful men in the blogger community for their input on breaks ups!

Tommy says:

“As Neil Sedaka famously sang, breaking up is hard to do. However, I’ve been luckier than most in that regard. For one, I’ve always been the initiator (although the last one was a tie). It’s definitely easier than being on the receiving end. It’s even easier if you’ve never been in love (which I wouldn’t mind finding someday). My relationships have trended on the shorter side; ending a longer one with more emotional investment would undoubtedly be more painful.

But so far I’ve been largely at peace with things after a breakup. After multitudes of rejections, it’s a nice feeling to know that someone was willing to go further and explore things with me – even if it didn’t work out in the end. The hardest part for me is trying to remain friends afterwards. I’ve tried it each time, but don’t think I will in the future. It’s a difficult area to navigate without things getting awkward and uncertain. For me, a clean break with no contact is the way to go, otherwise how can I completely move on?”

And Paul adds:

“Breakups. Well, bloody hell! There are things in my life that have been more difficult and much more important to deal with. This is a fact I’m consciously aware of—and yet, I have always managed to allow breakups to override absolutely everything when they happen.

I’m unfortunate enough to have experienced being broken up with on numerous occasions and, at the time, I thought nothing could possibly feel as bad. That was until I had to end a four-year relationship and I realized how much harder that is than being dumped. Hurting people hurts. Telling somebody they no longer fit your lifestyle… to me, I might as well be driving a knife through their heart and, subsequently, my own. It’s horrible.

Even if the breakup is for the best and you both know it, they’re extremely difficult and they’ll play on your conscience (provided if you’re blessed with a conscience). You’ll question everything. You’ll procrastinate wildly over what your life will lack without your partner in it. You’ll think of all the good things they do and the happy times you had with them. You’ll constantly weigh up the pros and cons; constantly try to talk yourself out of going through with it. It’ll play on your mind day and night.

In conclusion, breakups suck! Unfortunately, sometimes, they’re absolutely necessary…”

Both men seem to agree its easier to be broken up with than having to do the actual breaking up. Paul points out how difficult it is to know you’re hurting someone you spent so many years loving. Tommy agrees to this point, which contradicts the song’s idea that guys can just forget about an ex, just switching off their emotions and finding a new girl to distract them like a flimsy Band-Aid.

Of course, Tommy brings up being ‘at peace’ with most of his shorter relationships and perhaps he would go out on a boy’s night after such a break up. But he’s not drowning in alcohol or being swarmed by women in order to get over or forget these break ups. And Paul certainly not punching walls as the break up debate goes on in his head and things of all the good times with his ex.

Maybe the song got things mixed up and it’s the women who drink their exes away? Check in next week to hear from some WordPress ladies!

(Also the song might not have mentioned being friends with your ex but I did, check it out! )

28 thoughts on “Do Genders Handle Break Ups Differently? (Part 1- Guys Perspective)”

  1. I think when it comes to a real relationship, it’s equally hard for the man and the woman. However, men are just good at concealing the hurt and like you said , they choose to sleep over it with a night of debauchery. But then again not every man, there are all kinds of people. Even some women do the same once they are past the heartbroken stage. Once they are more healed and want to celebrate their freedom. But it doesn’t come to them immediately. It takes time, girlfriends, icecream and lots of shopping haha You have put your perspective really well! Looing forward to reading the one next week! 🙂

    1. I think peer pressure and ‘acting male’ is why a lot of blokes go down the route of a night—or several nights—of meaningless sex. They have to show that they aren’t affected by the breakup, even if it completely cuts them up inside. They also like to prove to themselves that their ex is easily replaceable. Peer pressure is perhaps a man’s worst enemy.

    2. Yeah just like Paul mentioned with the peer pressure, I definitely think society pushes men to conceal that hurt. But by hiding it or pushing it down, they don’t heal and it takes much longer to truly be ready for a real relationship again.
      You’re definitely right, some women cope by having a crazy fun night and some men cry into a tub of ice cream. I’m excited for you to read the women’s perspective and hear what you think !

  2. I’ve been really looking forward to this post and it hasn’t disappointed. I won’t say there aren’t guys out there who deal with breakups in the way it says in the song. While I don’t go down the route of punching walls, I have, in the past, turned to alcohol and consumed a lot more during a breakup than at normal times. The idea of getting under another to get over someone else is a pure fable. Promiscuity does not work! Self reflection and conversation with friends and family is definitely a better way to deal with it. My further advice would be to stay away from the dating scene until your ex is out of your system. Never replace an ex. Always ensure you get with a person because they’re right for you, not because they fill a void left by someone else.

    1. Hah I was worried so I’m glad you’re okay with the outcome! I think you’ll enjoy the women’s perspective too. I think alcohol is an extremely common coping mechanism for men and women alike.
      I 100% agree that a rebound never works, it’s just another coping mechanism to numb the loneliness.
      And that’s excellent advice! Self reflection, surrounding yourself with loved ones, and time on your own to heal is probably the healthiest way of healing.

      1. Self reflection is so underrated. There are too many people in this world that are quick to judge others, yet will rarely turn the spotlight on themselves; especially when it comes to relationships. I think analysing what you could have done differently and where you maybe went wrong is conducive to growing as an individual and as someone’s significant other. A friend who’s prepared to be brutally honest can also really help.

        I look forward to the next instalment. I think it’s a very interesting topic.

          1. Absolutely! It’s not an easy thing to do and involves a lot of pride eating along with a side of humble pie. But it’s an absolute fact that there are always faults on both sides irrespective of what causes a breakup.

          2. Haha humble pie 😂 very true ! Yeah everyone brings their own history and baggage to a relationship, no one escapes guilt free. Doesn’t mean the relationship ended badly either.

          3. I think understanding why the relationship had to end in as objective a mind-set as you can is key. That way you avoid becoming the kind of person who let’s past relationships shape you; for example, those who immediately distrust a new partner because a past partner was disloyal. A fresh canvas should always be laid out for a new relationship. If you can only bring yourself to paint over old portraits then you aren’t ready to paint. Metaphor o’clock!

          4. That’s so difficult though! I’m definitely guilty of worrying that my new partner will lie or break my trust in the same way the old ones have (I guess it’s more embarrassing to be fooled the same way twice?) hahh excellent metaphor though! There are many painters out there who keep drawing the same picture and yet they’re totally dumbfounded as to why

    1. Thanks so much!! I totally agree, I was so excited to work with other bloggers and I hope this two part series encourages other bloggers to do try their own version because I’m definitely interested in doing this again.

  3. When I was broken up with recently, it was the most god awful feeling I’ve ever had. We were together for a year, and I wasn’t the best. But damn I tried to do what was right, I tried giving her my all while I was away at school. I feel like I have failed her in more ways than one, and that feeling of guilt and anguish runs through my veins as naturally as the blood inhabiting them. But now, she needs to grow on her own. I came home from school for the semester because I felt so terribly broken that I couldn’t handle it on my own, plus what if she needs me? I’ll be right here waiting, and I feel better knowing I’ll be closer to her than ever before. She rebounded, and I remember how guilty she felt, sleeping with someone else. The next day we got back together. Three days later she told me she needed time and to think because it was all happening so fast. While many resort to alcohol or cigarettes, I resort to self harm. It moves the mental pain and makes it physical. Anything is better then the pulsating voices rupturing and interrupting every thought with something you never asked for.

    1. Now since you’re home for school, this might be a good time to talk to a mental health care professional (not trying to judge or tell you what to do, just telling you what worked for me). I hope things work out with the girl but more importantly with yourself, because you date him for life.

  4. I honestly think everyone is totally different, regardless of genders! I didn’t deal with my break up very well initially while my ex was seeming to. I wrote about it in my most recent post xx

  5. My break up is 2 days fresh, and man, it hurts! The word that keeps repeating in my head is forgettable. It has been so difficult getting through the past few days. I don’t want to do anything or be around anyone, and I imagine him going about his day without giving me a second thought. I know it doesn’t matter whether or not that’s true, but the thought that it’s over and he doesn’t care is killing me.

  6. This is such an interesting post! I’ve just been through a break up and it’s strange thinking about how he would be dealing with it (as the initiator), I think sometimes we forget that there’s more than meets the eye with a break up.

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