Coming to Terms with a Love that Was Never Meant to Be

So there was this guy I once had a crush on and it lasted many, many years. Nothing ever really happened so there isn’t much of a beginning to talk about but there is an End. We got in a fight because I felt the friendship was very one sided and I was probably also jealous of this girl he liked (and eventually dated). So the end went with him saying, “I only like you as a friend. Sorry.” And just like that it FINALLY clicked. It was over.

He was never going to like me as I wished he would. I needed that direct finality to ultimately stop living in this fantasy relationship alone (This is what I often tried to push Stubborn into saying. It’s also the reason I held on so long, because he could never say it).

Even though we weren’t exes, I feel like the best way to get over an ex is to cut off all contact for some time in order to ensure that no romantic feelings pop back up. Once I stopped putting in the effort to keep in touch with him, the friendship instantly ended. We talked a few times over the next 6 months to be polite but then it just all faded.

So it’s been years since we’ve seen each other and I liked keeping it that way. Now we’re both attending an event and it’s unavoidable. Here, I find myself wondering if he might like me now? Years have passed, I’ve changed my hair, my body has changed, and we’ve both done some growing up.

This is all insecure 16 year old me talking. The first guy she ever liked didn’t like her back and she wants to stop doubting that she’s not good enough.

No matter what color my hair is, I am still me. I will never be the love of his life and don’t want to be her. I’m also not who I used to be when I was 16. I have different wants and needs now; I want a different kind of relationship than I did as a teen. It wasn’t my hair color that stopped him from ever liking me and it surely won’t be the reason he would suddenly like me now.

We just weren’t a good match. That happens sometimes without it being anyone’s fault. That’s a hard reality to face. It took a very long time for me to learn that sometimes two people just aren’t meant to be together. It took me a long time to stop blaming this guy, Stubborn, and myself. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Sometimes you know the reason, other times you don’t.

You can’t make other people like you and you can’t force yourself to fall in love with someone you just don’t have chemistry with. The only person you could really do that with is yourself.

When to Say No

I have been on quite a few dates over the years. There is a debate about when to say No to a date/guy. Should you say yes to every guy? Give a fair chance to everyone? Will it burn you out to always be saying Yes? When is the time to say No?

I mentioned before being nudged into a coffee date because I was being called out for judging this guy too quickly. I didn’t want to seem like a judgmental bitch to this stranger (why I would care is another post for another time) so I agreed to coffee. See, I knew I was right that this guy wasn’t a good match for me.

That doesn’t make him a bad person or me a better one. It bugged me that I couldn’t say No. Actually I had already said No! It was when I originally said No that he called me judgmental and it’s really quite difficult to say No twice.

So we get coffee and he wasn’t the guy for me. We didn’t have much in common, we didn’t have any chemistry, things he considered fun were things that sounded like my personal nightmare. We were just too different and there wasn’t anything pushing us to make it work anyway. And you shouldn’t have to try to make it work with every person you meet. You’re allowed to be picky. You’re allowed to have standards.

I gotta admit, this post isn’t really for any of you. It’s for me. I’m here to tell myself that it’s okay to say No. It’s okay to stick to your guns. It’s okay to say No as many times as you want! Whenever you want!You don’t want to go out on a date, don’t go. You like this guy but you don’t want to go back to his house yet, don’t. You went back to his house and the clothes are falling to the bedroom floor, You’re allowed to change your mind and say No.

No matter where you are in the relationship or in the moment, you have the freedom and the right to say No. You don’t owe him anything. But you do owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself. Be your own Advocate. Be your own strength.

Saying “You Can Do Better” but Meaning…

I have definitely said, “You can do better” to a friend before and I have also had it said to me. I realize it is a friend trying to support, compliment, and look out for you. That’s how I meant it when I said it, along with “You deserve so much better” and “Forget him, he’s nothing but bad news anyway”. What I’m also willing to admit is that I’m passing along a lot of judgment while saying these ‘encouraging’ comments (read: critiques).

I’m judging her taste and ability to choose lovers/boyfriends by calling them ‘bad news’. I’m telling her that she has no authority over her own life and I’m going to make better decisions for her since she can’t seem to pick the right guy for herself. I’m judging her self -confidence and worth by telling her what I think she deserves; how much I think she is worth.

All in all, I’m criticizing her personal choices.

I’m also telling her that our friendship is no longer a safe place to openly be herself. I’m telling her that this friendship is about me. I am not here for her to voice her concerns and lessen her burdens. I am here to praise myself for not making the same foolish mistakes that I am judging you for from where I sit on my high horse. I’m telling her to not trust me with her vulnerability.

She knows any other girl would try and leave him, but her feelings are outweighing her logic. And Love is rarely logically. She doesn’t need her friends pointing out the logical and less ’embarrassing’ option. She needs support so that she never feels trapped or shamed.

She needs support so that she can finally come to a new decision on her own in due time. Or she might never change her mind! And then she has to choose between you and him. Trust me, you’ll lose her then because she will always choose Love.

So when I tell her “Wise up, he’s no good for you” I’m also telling her “Wise up, I’m not much better.” Because if a friend needs to tear you down in order to build themselves up, then that’s not a friend you need to be around.

SHORTCOMINGS

You’ll need to have enough patience 

for two because I’m always losing mine. 

Sometimes I’ll pull out my hair from all the stress.

I can’t always keep my cool 

so I’ll clam up in frustration 

fearful that I could shout something I’d regret.

 

I think being late is a sign of disrespect 

and I don’t like to change my mind.

It will sometimes take me a beat 

to figure out what’s right.

But understand these hang ups

and I’ll always do right by you.

Ddateable sited on Jupiter!

Thanks again to Jupiter for the lovely shout out!!

“Poetry

My Real Work by Paul Vincent Cannon. If, like me, you spend a lot of time in boring, pointless work meetings when you’d rather be writing and creating, this poem will really speak to you!

I Can’t Admit the Truth by Megan O’Keeffe (Debatably Dateable). A beautiful poem that tugs at my heart ♥

Some of Jupiter’s posts

I wrapped up the erotic story series that started my blogging journey in the first place, Did You Miss Me (Part 6);

Wrote a couple of silly, saucy poems inspired by some sexy men’s underwear- Kinky Britches and You Tease, and name-checked one of my favourite musical artists, Australia’s Kate Miller-Heidke, and her brilliant and hilarious song “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?” about getting a Facebook friend request from an ex lover;

Got booby-licious and whipped “the girls” out for my offerings for Wicked Wednesday, Food for Thought Friday, and Friday is Boobday, as well as by way of apology in What a Day!;”

 

Check out the rest of the article here!

Is your guy relationship material?

You’ve been seeing this guy for a few weeks or months and things are going great! You’re hanging out together regularly and you’ve talked about the relationship progressing from exclusive to fully committed and official. There are some telltale signs to show that you’re guy is really ready and good relationship material.

 

Communicates

He’s communicating about his feelings and thoughts, your feelings or thoughts, or just about the weekend plans together. He’s asking about your day and filling you in on his.

 

Makes Plans for the Future

He’s looking past just the next few days with you and plans into the future. He’s thinking about concerts, festivals, and gatherings with close ones that are weeks and months into the future. He sees you in that future, not just a present short term relationship.

 

He Factors you into his Future

When he’s thinking about his future he’s including you and considering how it will work for the two of you together. This may come a bit further along but when considering school, work, or big financial decisions, he’s factoring in how it will affect the relationship and how to make the future work cohesively.

 

Improving Himself

He’s improving himself for his future and himself with your support and motivation. He wants to make sure he’s the man you want.

 

He tries to connect with your friends and family

He knows your friends and family are an important part of your life and he wants work on integrating himself into your social world. The relationship doesn’t need the added pressure of your friends or family not approving of him so he’ll work to make sure that doesn’t happen.

 

Then to Now

I can’t believe

That the months have gone by

And the passion still rages

Like our first week together.

The electric jitters have been replaced

With knowing stares and secret smiles.

Second date or 522nd your hand

still falls on my lap in the car.

So many firsts have been shared

But my love for you still feels brand new

Still sad when I leave your place

Because I can never spend enough time with you

I love you’s used to get stuck in the back of my throat

Now they’re tumbling out of my mouth like salmon swimming upstream.

I thought these feelings might have settled by now

But this beating in my chest is and always will be for you.

 

-June

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